Did you know what I married both my father and step-father? Let me back up on that statement. I am reading "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel. The chapter I just finished talked about how you are most likely to marry someone like your first (or most hurtful) abuser. It asks that you make a list of people in your life (I.E. Mom, Dad, Step-parent, childhood bullies, friends or bosses) then list the positive and negative traits for these people. Actually, let me back up a bit further.
Months before I left him, while I was in the deciding phase, I had the realization that I married a man exactly like my step-father growing up. This man was my first abuser. He physically and emotionally abused my Mum, my older sister and I. He would pick on my Mum first and if she wasn't around my older sister would take the brunt of it in an effort to protect me. I remember a time when my Mum was running away from him and ended up with a sprang wrist from trying to keep the door closed and him out. The police were called a few times and he was locked up for the night. He'd been thrown out more than once and we had left more than once. It was not a pleasant period of time in my life. I remember when we left how stressed out and short-tempered my Mum was. How she was a mess for at least a year after we left. I couldn't understand why she was acting the way she was. I certainly do now. How she managed to leave him with three daughters to worry about and provide for, I'll never understand.
I realized that my soon-to-be-ex husband was just like my step-father. They were both short-tempered, controlling, manipulative, isolating but could lay on the charm and be the funniest person you've ever met. They both successfully had people believe that they were great husbands.
My father is a workaholic, controlling, alcoholic. He was once funny, outgoing and an animal lover. He had aspirations of being a vet but that's all the were, aspirations. His foster parents convinced him to become a police officer (like their son) after he finished his contract with the Canadian military. This changed him into a racist, misogynist and arrogant man. My father became a workaholic and when my Mum realized he had chosen his work over his family, left him. He to this day speaks negatively of my mother. I have chosen not to allow him into my life. It's been nearly nine years since we last spoke. My older sister had a relationship with him up until this last spring when she had enough. He hadn't changed, he didn't want to put forth the effort to be a father and grandfather to her nor her children. Her husband (the most passive and understanding man you will ever meet in your life) finally had enough of him and the way he was treating his family and kicked him out of the house. I must say, I was so proud of him!
My soon-to-be-ex husband was an addict before I met him. He spent the majority of college high on cocaine. The story goes (as I no longer believe a word that came out of his mouth) his mother surprised him with a visit and caught him in the midst of a binge. She drove him to rehab then shipped him to his uncles house once released. His uncle was also a police officer who ironically enough was in training with my father.
If you combine my father and step-father's traits, you get him. Sick isn't it? That we are drawn to what we know and what I knew was men who didn't treat woman like they should. Even now, I hear my heart telling me that I deserve a good Christian man, one who is actively seeking God. Then I catch myself thinking "will he be boring?", "will I be attracted to someone like that" or "will I be able to relate to him".
Back to my book that I'm currently reading... more tomorrow.
Today's success (drum roll please!)....I worked out this morning and I applied for my dog to be an emotional support animal (because he really is!) so I can fly with him at Christmas.
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