Each day I have what I call my realization of the day. Something becomes clearer in my mind and heals me a little. Today's realization was that the constant desire I once had to jump out the window in the copy room at work is now gone. I would stand there waiting for a print job and look out the 7th floor window and look at the drop from this floor length window. I would imagine myself falling to my death. It would be the release I was desperately needing. Now, I could never actually do it because the windows didn't open enough to accommodate this desire and it wasn't every single day but most days. Today I stood there and focused on the sun shining through the clouds. I saw the traffic driving down the street and people walking around.
I would also be walking around town with or without him and have this desire to scream out to people as I passed them. "Help me, please help me" or "he is an abusive asshole, please help me get away from him". I would want to cry out but never did. They wouldn't help me, I would be stuck with him forever. After all, a "good" Christian woman makes her marriage work and doesn't even have the word divorce in her vocabulary. I thought my only way out without sinning against God was to either hope he would one day divorce me or to commit suicide. The problem with suicide is its the final and absolute sin against God's plan for your life. This wasn't really an option, I may have been going through hell on earth but it wasn't eternal, though it certainly felt like that more often than not. He would never divorce me, he would see it as letting me win. After all, I was the one deliberately not changing to the person "we" thought I should be to make this marriage work. I was the one making him made so he would lose his temper. If he divorced me, he would lose control over me. This was never going to be a possibility.
My counselor told me last week to stop being so hard on myself. I am, I know I am but I don't know how to stop. He spent years telling me "my ass is a star" in a sarcastic tone anytime I shared something I was proud of myself for. I learned to stop sharing excitements. I learned to focus on all my faults.
I somehow continue to have this idea in my head. I'm free now, let's just move on with my life like nothing happened. I'm fine. If I'm so fine then why do I have such a hard time finding the desire to leave the house? If I'm so fine, why do I beat myself up and tell myself that I'm wasting my life away by sitting inside (something he would complain about if I tried to take time for myself when he wasn't at work)? If I'm so fine, why is it when I have an appointment for counselling or today's legal advocacy appointment I feel a panic attack brewing and I'm an emotional wreck when I'm done? I'm not fine and I think it's ok to not be fine right now. I don't want to sweep my emotional pain under the rug and jump into the dating scene anytime soon. I'll end up right where I am years down the road. I have some serious self discovery and healing to do and I need to keep taking life on day at a time.
My Mum recommended I make a note on what I'm proud of myself for each day and to let go of the things I wanted to do but couldn't. Today's is I managed to stop myself from having a full blown panic attack and I managed to muster enough strength and courage to walk my dog, C when I got home from my appointment (normally I'm too far gone which my PTSD to leave the apartment). Oh, and I left dirty dishes in the sink. This might sound like something I should let go of but it's actually an accomplishment. I would constantly be cleaning, tidying and putting items away. If I didn't, they would be used during his tantrums when he would break them not to mention at the end I feared he may actually kill me in one of his fits of rage. It's been hard not to continue to be forever cleaning. Obviously I don't want to go to the other extreme but rather find a balance. My apartment it tidy but my sink is full of dishes. Insert applause!
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