Wednesday 16 September 2015

It's all about the Benjamin's baby

Money is a funny but necessary thing isn't it? For those of you who have found yourself in an abusive situation with a significant other you may understand my sentiments towards it. Money is one way he controls you. Money is the way out of that control. While money isn't the only thing needed to escape it is necessary in the logistics of survival once you're out. Money was one of the ways he control me, one of the ways he would hurt and guilt me. It was a duel-income-no-kids (DINK) situation the entire marriage with a two month

I now live on a single income now but somehow feel like I have more money. I work for a  non-profit organization that I love but doesn't pay me what I made previously. I don't make enough to make my bills and pay off debt currently. I had to take out a consolidation loan to pay off my high interest credit cards and make it so I only have 2 debts to pay every month. This is something I talked about with him a year ago and he didn't want me to do this because then I would have set payments. This meant the money would come out of the account on pay days which would prevent him from being able to spend it on his entertainment. I've also acquired a part-time job. 

Hundreds and sometimes up to a thousand dollars would be spent on entertainment in a month. He would want to go out for supper at least 3 nights a week plus a lunch on Saturdays. He would buy himself clothes on his days off. He would go to the casino and play poker on some occasions. He NEEDED money on his days off. If he didn't have money to spend it would result in a blow out, a knock down/ drag out fight. He was used to a life where he once could afford to spend this way. He made six figures when we first met and could afford to spend that kind of money monthly. This was not the case by the time we moved to Vancouver the winter of 2014. We made maybe $60,000 a year combined and yet my debt never seemed to get paid down.

The first year and a half our marriage was spent paying off the $14,000 plus of his debt that he racked up prior to marriage. Actually, it must have been old debt that he completely ignored because the creditors had set up garnishment of his wages. Thirty five percent of his gross income was deducted each cheque until the debts were paid off completely. This meant I had to take on more of the household expenses. This meant that my debts (that could have easily been paid off by now) were only paid down with minimal payments. During this time of garnishments, you would think that he would ramp down his lifestyle. You.would.think. While we did live in a basement suite for the first year of marriage the entertainment spending never really decreased.

I've missed payments in the past, I had $25,000 plus of debt at one time and it was horrible. I also know that I was never actually close to garnishment because I periodically made payments. This was at least 3 years of not being responsible for spending I had done years before.

I finally feel like I can breath financially. Yes, I have less money in the bank BUT I have money in the bank. It's tight especially since I haven't started the part-time job yet which will cover my debt repayments for the next year as well as the legal costs of divorcing him. I have the ability to buy groceries, coffees, books and even a guitar (my 30th birthday present to myself three weeks after I left him). I don't spend money on getting my nails done anymore but I'm happy.

I have the ability to buy clothes. This is a big deal. Rarely was I allowed to buy clothes. The only time I really felt like I was permitted to do so was when he was with me and suggested it. I hated this. He would try and make me buy clothes I hated. They were not my style and I needed clothes that could also be worn to work. Even when I was with him I would get "must be nice" thrown in my face minutes or hours later. He told me that I could get my nails done if I wanted, if it meant I would be happy, so I did every two to three weeks. This also resulted in "must be nice". I would go out for sushi after church every other weeks again "must be nice" thrown in my face to guilt me on my spending. My Mum even commented on the size of his closet versus mine. Most of my clothes were getting worn out, had holes and don't even get my started on the shoe situation. 

Money also allowed me to furnish my apartment with my Mum while she was out to move me. I actually bought things I liked. Pink, turquoise, white things. My life before was a sea of beige. I HATE beige: it's boring as heck. This is the first apartment I've had where I actually decorated it. This was very exciting for me and I'm so proud of my little bachelorette apartment. I'm so glad I decided to invest a little money (mostly at Ikea) to furnish this apartment because I spend a lot of time in it. I'm still in his neighbourhood (I'll touch on that in another post) and have anxiety about leaving my house. I walk my dog twice daily (early AM and mid-evening), I also take him to the courtyard to pee a few times a day and I make sure I leave my apartment outside of those walks once daily on weekends. Outside of this, it's really hard. Even the weekend outings are really hard. He's out there, not in here so why would I go out there? I know this is the PTSD talking. I know that one day I won't be afraid of him anymore. That his control over me will be so far in the past that I'll have the courage to see him out somewhere and walk right by him without feeling like I need to run for my bloody life.

Money will be the route of any potential issues for my divorce. It will be the last thing he can use to hurt me. He could ask for spousal support, he could put up a fight about paying half of the outstanding debts. The way I see it, he should have to pay half of all debts, not just those acquired during the marriage since I could not pay them during his garnishments. I'm not sure the law will agree but I think that's more than fair and he's getting a deal considering my debt is under $7000. I'll have to get some further legal advice but either way, he owes me money and the law is on my side for some of it. 

Money. It's such a part of our daily lives. It's like air, when you have it, you don't think about it. When you don't, it's the only thing running through your mind. When you go from having no control over it to complete control, it doesn't even matter how much you have, it's still freedom. Money doesn't buy happiness but being without certainly doesn't. For me, happiness was getting away and all the support I had and still do. I'm so grateful for my Mum, her finance, my two sisters and my friends here in B.C. that have helped me in one way or another, even it's just to listen to me. 

God has blesses me exceedingly with an amazing support system and most certainly with a Mum who not only loves me unconditionally but also understands exactly what I'm going through. He's taken what the enemy intended for evil and worked it out for my good. 

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