Saturday 26 September 2015

Pruning

I've changed my entire life. I've changed apartments, daily routines, hobbies, financial situations, family relationships, my social life, all because a change of relationship status. My counselor pointed this out to me during one of our sessions. She told me this because she was trying to make a point; she wanted me to recognize and acknowledge all of my courageous accomplishments 

I couldn't understand why I was so exhausted and yet antsy the first few weeks. While I may not be consciously aware of all the changes I'm dealing with my subconscious is hard at work. It's a lot to process and most of the changes I listed happened overnight. 

One of my weaknesses is not giving myself enough credit. Before she pointed out all the things I've done I caught myself thinking, "so what, who couldn't do that too?". Then I realized, a lot of woman can but don't or can't but want to

I gained the courage the leave him, to make plans and step out of the life I had lived for years. The fear of change held me captive for years but my desire for a better life grew stronger. The hardest part once the decision was made was waiting four weeks. God took care of the logistic details (apartment, finances, a vehicle to move my things, people to help me move, a consolidation loan for a debt and a part time job to help me pay off the consolidation loan). God has shown me how much He loves me, how He has a better plan for my life than I could ever imagine.  

Thursday as I was crying I prayed and heard God say to me "I'm pruning you." Pruning is described as "an essential gardening skill. When you prune correctly, you encourage healthy growth and flowering (in the case of flowering plants), as well as good looks". This year is a year of pruning for not just re-growth but becoming stronger. It's not going to be easy or always happy but it's necessary. As I type this I'm secretly hoping it will be easier than I think but we both know that isn't really going to be the truth. 

Today's memory that came back was when I used to sleep in my car. No, I was never homeless, I was avoiding him. I finally had my own car again (after a year of not having one) and I would go home and let my dog out and leave right away, before he got home from work. I would drive to another residential area and have a nap. I'd wake up and go have a cheap supper somewhere and go home sometime after dark. I can't remember how long I did this but I only ended up having that car for a few months. I ended up writing the car off when I was rushing to work one day.

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