"That Bad"

I read stories of other abuse survivors. They tell the horrific details of being strangled, kicked, bones broken and hospital visits. This was not like my abuse. Does it mean my abuse was less traumatizing? Does it mean that my situations doesn't really qualify as abuse?

This is his control and abuse rearing it's ugly little head. That I'm not good enough, that what happened to me wasn't really that bad. This was a concern of mine before I left, that I would minimize the abuse and go back to him. This is all to common in abuse situations. I refused to let myself fall into this trap. A few days before I left, after a fight, I went out to walk my dog and took the car I was car sitting. I drove away from the apartment and parked somewhere quiet. I decided to video myself, the fear, hurt and tears. This video would be the reminder I needed when I got lonely or when I minimized. 

In this video I made mention of how I felt, what he did and what I needed to remember to avoid the thought of reconciling. I used my cell phone, which I guarded with my life the last two months. The abuse cycle shorted to a day instead of what was a week and what at one time long ago was a month. I slept with my phone, kept it in my pocket at home and out even took it into the bathroom with me. It was locked with a code he didn't know but I still worried he could hack in. I changed the code every few days in case he had seen me unlock it. I also kept it close in the event I needed to call someone. Not the police, what good they had done me in the past, but someone. 

I watched this video after I filmed it to make sure it was clear enough to hear. Then figured I wouldn't need it for a few months. I listened to it (since I couldn't watch it with him around) the night before my escape. I was questioning my decision to leave. Was it really that bad? Could I survive without him? I was so thankful my Mum was flying in the next morning to help me move. It cemented the fact I had to leave. He hated my Mum so she certainly couldn't stay with me if I stayed with him. 

He never punched me in the face but he has assaulted me. He had blocked me into the bedroom, pushed me, punched me in the thighs (people wouldn't see if I actually bruised), he's even flicked my lady parts. I don't remember bruising from these attacks. Does this mean it wasn't that bad? 

I think that this idea of "that bad" is a relative term. Is a woman being beaten and hospitalized "that bad" when compared to women in India that a set on fire because they "shamed" their families? What about being constantly told you're crazy when compared to female genital mutilation in Africa? Is being manipulated and control by your boyfriend / husband "that bad" when compared to the sex trafficking in Cambodia? 

Their will always be someone worse off then you. Their will also always be someone better off than you. So how does one make sense of "that bad". In my mind, "that bad" is anyone who's abused me in anyway (emotional, physical or sexual abuse). He would fall into all three of those. While my abuse wasn't severe enough to require medical attention, it does require attention and counseling.