Normal Men

What are "normal" men like? My heart tells me that real love exists. That not all men abuse the women they say they love. But my head starts to argue with my heart. I've been with a man who has treated me badly for five years. It's hard to imagine what a non-abusive would be like.

"Men are the head and woman are the neck" still runs through my mind from one of my favorite movies, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Christianity teaches us that men are the head and men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. What does that actually look like? Sometimes I feel like a child peeking through the curtains looking at adults interacting. I see one couple in particular, she is a social butterfly who speaks her mind. She is not the stereotypical Christian wife, meek and quiet. Her husband is the quieter of the two but somehow still is clearly the spiritual leader of the house. It confuses the heck out of me.

I've learned that men and women are equal but different, each playing their own important role. But it a post-feminist society where the world tells me I am the same as a man and I don't need to conform to gender stereotypes how do I know my actual place and role?

I became a Christian after marrying him so going into the marriage I had very different ideas then I do now. I now understand how God designed marriage. I now understand that while I am different than a man, I am no less valuable to him. The problem arose when I became a Christian and was now being taught what a healthy Christian marriage looks like. But when your spouse doesn't share the same beliefs he sees as subservient and I became an even easy target for abuse. Christian friends telling me how I should let him lead and allow him to make the final call on things. This was a HUGE mistake. He was now even more in control which is what he craved. I tell my older sister that I am a cautionary tale of what not to do in ones life. When did this become me though? How do I change myself into a tale of redemption?

I have been thinking about my previous relationships since leaving him. Obviously we broke up for a reason but what originally attracted me to each of them? What was the relationship like and what are my sentiments about each of them now.

When I look back at each of them only one truly stands out as a "normal" guy, a good guy. I began to think about what set him apart and the reason we ended the relationship. It was amicable but still heartbreaking. He was starting university and I was just finishing high school and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. He was on the path to be a lawyer.

What values did he possess that the others didn't? What made him so different? He was raised by parents that were not only still married but clearly loved one another. He grew up in the Mennonite church. He wasn't the perfect little Mennonite boy because he smoke, drank and danced. He was polite, kind, thoughtful and put my happiness at the front of the line as far as things that were important to him. He didn't always understand why I needed something but recognized I needed it and would not only do it but do it with a smile on his face. He was a romantic, planning weekend getaways and private dinners.

After this and frankly before this I dated men that were nothing like him. Why was this? Where did I go wrong? I didn't really understand this until recently. I'm reading "The Emotionally Abused Woman" and I have learnt a few things so far. I've learned that because I grew up with violence in the home and an absent, alcoholic father I never witnessed a normal, healthy relationship. I had no great example of a man to compare potential boyfriends to. I had an abusive, controlling step-father or an alcoholic father who was a police officer. I mention his profession only because if any of your have dealt with the police as far as domestic abuse, you know they don't think to highly of women in this circumstances. The police I've encountered put his rights above your safety and frankly above your rights. I am not painting all police with this brush but have found the majority of them to be like this. I learned around the time of my escape that my Mum found out after divorcing my father, that he refused to drive woman to the women's shelter if he was called out to their home because of a domestic dispute. Are you kidding me?! He thought so little of women he wouldn't even drive them? My father, what a peach.

So in saying all this how do I get my head to agree with my heart? I guess this is just part of my journey to healing.