Wednesday 23 September 2015

Anxiety & Giving Myself Permission To Do Nothing

My goal is to post daily. I missed yesterdays and only remembered at 10:30 last night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep. In the past I would open my laptop and post my draft. I didn't do this. I'm really trying to work on taking time for doing nothing. This may sound unproductive but it is actually the exact opposite. 

For years I was constantly trying to make sure everything was clean, put away etc. The less I left out, the less would get broken in the event of a tantrum. I was guilt-ed about taking time for myself to relax. The last activity I clung to was taking a before bed bath (every night) for the last year or two. I even bathed nightly when my city announced a water restriction due to drought! It was the only time I could be alone and relax. He would complain if I was longer than 30 minutes, "you were in there for an hour" was a daily occurrence even if it was less than that. But then again, why would I rush out of the tub to bed? It meant that he would expect sex from me. By the end, I did have "one hour baths" to avoid sex, it was not even a possibility in my mind. What if he got me pregnant?! I would forever be tied to him.  

I have a busy few days starting today and knew that I could very easily burn myself out. Last night the only things I planned to accomplish was making supper and picking up dog food. It turns out that I had to clean my oven (because of Monday's dinner) but otherwise didn't do anything productive. I have a list of things I want to accomplish this week written on my bathroom mirror but I know I can't do them all in one day so I try for a few. 

I have not been officially diagnosed with PTSD but do have many of the symptoms. Two of the most prominent symptoms are anxiety and memory loss. I have forgotten a lot of things that happened during my marriage but each day some memories come back and they haven't been the positive ones. Today's was the vet bill I had because he didn't pay it in full before leaving the clinic. Before I was married I had him take my dog into the vet for me for updating his shot. I couldn't take him myself for some reason (probably work). The clinic later threatened collections on my when I hadn't paid it. How did he manage to leave without paying the balance in full? Looking back, this was a clue that he didn't have all this money he said he did. 

My memory loss is also short term memory loss. I'll forget something you told me yesterday sometimes. My family knows this and doesn't judge me for it (thank God!) and I do my best to make lists at work and set reminders for things so I don't forget. As I write this I remembered I didn't check the mail today and had intended on making a bank deposit (clearly not happening today). 

As for my anxiety, my dog helps tremendously. My dog changed since we left him. He is calmer, quieter for the most part (except people in the hall, he barks EVERY time). If I can manage to take him with me on outings then it means I won't be so on edge. I had a few errands to run last Saturday and wanted to take him with me so I reserved a car through my car share program and took him along. In the past he would whine in the car after ten minutes, these days he's quiet as can be. Three and a half hours later we both got home and he didn't whine once. 

My dog is also dealing with PTSD because of him. He would terrorize him and think it's funny (a sign that he is psychotic). My dog is afraid of cardboard boxes, grocery bags and the vacuum, care to guess why? He also runs when I move the furniture because he was too terrorized by this previously. Now, I reassure him with my voice when these triggers my upset him. I was so proud of him the other day when I was unpacking a box. I kept telling him he was ok and a good boy as I opened, unpacked and collapsed the box. He didn't run away like he normally would, he came up and sniffed about. 

I had been planning a trip to my Mum's for Christmas but discovered he was too big for in cabin which caused my massive anxiety, I couldn't even think of traveling without him. My older sister recommended looking into having him registered as an Emotional Support Animal. There is no registry in Canada and the only thing required is a letter from a medical professional. This morning I got my letter! Flight booked and this will be the longest visit EVER with my family, two whole weeks. 

In the past, visiting my family was not a possibility. Visiting his family was a yearly occurrence at Christmas. He said I could invite my family to his mothers house for Christmas since we were driving eleven hours to his and mine was an additional five to six to see mine. This never sat right with me but I learned early on to pick my battles. 

I booked a visit this past March for five days. He didn't complain much except about spending the money (and my Mum paid for some of my ticket). "I'll be booking a flight to see my family whenever I want since you got to visit yours. Oh, and you aren't coming with me." He said this as an attempt to hurt me because he knew how much I loved his grandparents (I don't have any living grandparents). He refused to visit my family with me and frankly I'm glad he did. The night before I left he came home from work and I was in the midst of packing. He asked if he could help and I asked him to polish a pair of boots for me. He refused to do it since he'd never done it.... later that evening he demanded sex despite the fact it was late and I hadn't sat down all day. I refused and he got angry. In the morning I received a text from him at work "have fun complaining to your family about me". He didn't say a word to me after that until the last day of my visit where he Facetimed me for five minutes. 

I'm very excited to visit with my family and not be worried about what I'll be coming back to. I'm also excited to take new family photos. The only family photos I have are some from my wedding, but not a lot. I didn't visit very often (twice in the entire relationship in fact) so I don't have any photos from the past 5 years. 

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