Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Flash Back Friday

I had a flash back on Friday night. My male friend sent me a link to a song on Youtube, Sam Hunt's Take Your Time. I love the song but I hadn't watched the video before. It was about a guy watching a gal over time and her spouse ends up abusing her. 

I've talked about it before but why didn't people help me? Why didn't my neighbours call the police when they heard shouting and why didn't they call when they heard things breaking and doors being slammed? If you heard shouting and slamming doors would you call the police? Perhaps it's because people don't want to be involved. Thing is, you can request to remain anonymous when reporting it. Please, please call the police if you hear something that sounds like a domestic disturbance!

The other thing that came up was, and I'm not even sure how we got on the subject, was sex. He made some comment about it with his ex-wife and I asked he change the subject. He then said something to the effect I hope you aren't eluding to the fact he did something to you. I don't remember what I said but I manage to avoid giving an actual answer. I don't want to talk about the sexual abuse with anyone outside of you all and my counselor. I did what I had to survive but it doesn't mean I enjoyed it. I know I've come a long way over this past year and come to terms with the abuse I suffered in my marriage but I won't talk about the sexual abuse. I've moved past feeling like damaged goods. 

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

I Am So Blessed

I was asked my a friend "why are women so vindictive?" to which I responded that not all women are. I truly believe that one's reaction to stress will dictate how they respond to hurt and heart break. I myself am one who flees. I don't want to fight and I certainly don't want to be vindictive. Some people are fighters and want to come out swinging. Then there are those who freeze (like my Mum) and just stand there stunned and just take it. 

I could blast all over social media the horrible person that my ex is, but I don't see the point. I don't need the drama it would cause. I'd rather wash my hands of him and the hurt and move on with my life. I don't care if he bad-mouths me or sleeps with every woman that will have him. We've broken up and therefor I no longer get to have an opinion of his life's decisions. 

The more I talk with my male friend about his divorce the more I realize that I am so fortunate. I don't have to have a lawyer battle his lawyer (not that he has one anyway). I don't have to worry if I'll get my stuff back from him (I took it all when I left). I don't have guilt about taking everything I possibly could (I split everything equally). I don't worry about my friends telling my ex things about me now (none of them will speak to him if he tried). We didn't really own anything of value so I don't have to worry about that aspect either. All in all, I'm blessed to have separated the way I did. My ex may think it was conniving and cruel but it was the kindest thing I could do. Sure, he was left with living in a place he couldn't afford alone and therefor had to move but he got what was his and half of what was ours. I think what hurt him almost as much as my leaving was he couldn't have a temper tantrum about it in front of me. 

I don't understand why some people still want to know what their ex is doing. I mean, you are broken up and they don't need to know what you're doing. Why allow ex's to take up emotional real estate? I told my friend that "I could care less if my ex slept with half the woman in my city and got a venereal disease. It's not my place to judge or care what he does with his life as of last August". I think the time following a break up is best spent on moving on and healing (learning/reflecting) on the hurts and mistakes of the relationship. One should take time to work on themselves before anything else. My Mum always said that you should take a year to move on after the end of a serious relationship. My year is up but my marriage isn't so single I remain. 

I understand more now than ever why God calls us to save ourselves for marriage. Sex gets in the way and why awaken that part within yourself before then? Problem is, that's already awakened in me and I can't do too much about it. Maybe this is one of the many reason's God didn't plan for us to divorce. We once had sex on a fairly regular basis and suddenly, nothing. Granted, sex for me was not something I enjoyed in my marriage but I do remember enjoying it in previous relationships. People still have needs and desires. I'm curious how I'll handle sex when I get married again. Will it cause flash backs of previous events with my ex? Or will I be healed enough to not even think about it. I suspect that if I trust God to lead me to the man I am supposed to marry He'll heal those hurts in my life by the time I get to that point. 

I don't just miss the sex aspect of a relationship but that's closeness. Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Going for a walk and holding hands. Date nights and getting all dressed up for a man. I don't have too many fond memories like that from my marriage but I have them from previous relationships. I don't need a man to make me feel complete or beautiful because I already am by God. I just miss the physical closeness. I mean, it's not as though I wouldn't enjoy being loved and desired by a man. 

You thoughts? Leave me a comment.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

My 31st Birthday

I celebrated my 31st birthday this past weekend. I didn't want to make a big deal of this birthday but it turned out pretty perfect actually. I woke up early (not intentionally) and went for a hike with my dog. I then met up with a gal pal of mine for brunch. 

As we ate we talked about the healing process we've both been on for the past year (her's very different than mine). Then we got to talking about dating again. She's been married for 6 years and obviously can't really help me with the dating scene. We can't understand dating these days, I mean what does "Netflix and Chill" really mean? It could range from actually watching Netflix to come over and have sex. I've never had a long term / committed relationship that didn't result in sex. Things will be different going forward. Something to look forward to in the coming months.

I have been struggling with my weight and over-eating. I've since lost my appetite for the most part. I think I was eating out of boredom and loneliness but now that I'm trying to be more social and connect with friends, it seems to be resolving itself. My concern is, is this because I'm talking to my male friend? Am I using him? I would say no because we've both been clear that we can only be friends at this time but I know that he's hoping it might turn into more when our divorces are finalized. I don't think things will go there though. He's 10 years older than me and I'm not really attracted to him in that way. Frankly, I shouldn't even be worrying about this as my heart isn't free. The thing is, he texts and calls me as often as a boyfriend would. I know I need to tell him to back off a bit. I remind him almost every other day that we're just friends and that's all we can be at this time in my life. He agrees but his action don't line up with it. I've seen "When Harry Met Sally" enough times to realize it's next to impossible for men and woman to be just friends especially when the man has (or has had) romantic feelings for the woman. 

I will say I have a slight crush on a guy that I deal with at work, even though he lives in a different city (just across the bay). He grew up 30 minutes from me, he's only 2 years older (as opposed to my (soon to be) ex-husband who was 6.5 years older) and we genuinely can chat for a long time without awkwardness. Its far fetched to think anything will come of it but it's kind of nice to feel this way; to feel something besides fear about a man. I obviously wouldn't act on these feelings until after my divorce finalizes and even then, I'll probably be to shy to do anything. Do I even remember how to flirt?! 

Friday, 19 August 2016

So I Saw My Dad Again....

Last month I saw my Dad for the first time in nearly 10 years. I was anxious about attending the memorial because of my father. I was excited to see cousins and my two uncles (not as excited about the third). I didn't know who else would be attending but I knew my Dad would be there probably with his wife. 

The reason I haven't seen (or spoken to) my Dad in all these years is that he was a negative relationship. I think the reason he was more distant with me (compared to my sister) was because I am so much like my mother. We look alike, have the same mannerisms and we think alike. He never really got over my mother leaving, mainly because he too is a narcissist. His job made him anger, bitter and a racist. I however chose (and still do) to see the good in the world; to believe people are inherently good. He didn't like that he couldn't control me, couldn't change me into who he thought I should be. For years after I felt like I had to hide from him, like in some way I was still a littler girl hiding from a spanking. I've since realized that I'm an adult and there is little he can do to hurt me. Sure, he could try and say hurtful things or pass judgement on my but I've moved past looking for his approval. I've realized that my father wound can only really be healed and the hole filled by God's love because He is the one true father in my life. 

As my sister and I pulled up to the cemetery, I felt my a pit in my stomach; I was nervous about what may be said. We got out of the car as people were standing around waiting for the priest to show up. My Great-Aunt hugged me as did my Aunt B. I had gone in this situation with an open mind, willing to hug my Dad and make polite conversation about the weather and what not. What I got was nothing like that. I got a hello, from a distance. He barely said a word to my sister and I all afternoon. It was awkward; there was a clear divide and the air was frosty. 

As we stood there as the priest blessed the grave-site, I realized he wasn't this big man I remembered. Granted, he did lose some muscle mass in the last decade, he wasn't a big scary man anymore. In fact, I kept looking down at his feet and thinking how small they were. I was shocked at how old he looked. He had most white hair, liver spots all over the sides of face and his face look like leather (think Dog the Bounty Hunter). His oldest brother looked at least 10 years younger. 

I knew that there was only one thing my Dad could talk about that would upset me, my failed marriage. That wound can still be raw at times. Other than that, I felt strong enough to either defend myself or walk away. What else could he say, really? I work for a non-profit and help those with disabilities, I support myself, I'm not an alcoholic, drug addict and I care about others. He didn't ask me about it my my Great Aunt did. I tried to change the subject subtly but she didn't get it. What disappointed me but didn't surprise me was that my Dad lied about caring for the grave-site and making an annual trip for the last 20 years to the site. 

As we left the cemetery plans had been made to meet up for lunch. Those siding with my Dad left together. Those who sided with my sister and I took a different route. We had planned to stop by the old farm and school house on our way there. I rode with my Uncle D, we had been talking every few weeks on FaceTime and I was excited to see him in person. 

This divide in the group meant I missed out on time with my Great Aunt and I missed out on the time with my cousin and one of my Uncles. Granted, Uncle B is apparently besties with my Dad and I wouldn't trust him enough to talk about my life. 

As we sat down for lunch, there was clear strategy. My Dad had sat in the middle of the table. My Aunt asked my Uncle T to sit at the opposite side of the long table so she could sit with my sister, my cousin and I. I sat next to my Great Aunt knowing she would be my shield from my Dad. We stayed there for a few hours, eating and talking. Afterwards there was some mumblings about what to do afterwards. My sister and I had planned to be flexible, brought a change of clothes in case we wanted to spend more time with them or could leave at anytime. We heard mention of supper at my Dad's house. Shortly after my Dad got up from the table and my Uncle B said to my sister and I that he would like us to fix things with our Dad. We both explained that we have tried. An after thought was, why assume it's our problem to fix. He invited us to our Dad's place(even though our Dad certainly didn't). We declined and headed outside. We were standing talking with our Aunt B and Uncle T (who were not invited by my Dad but rather by Uncle B) who had declined supper as they wanted to visit with my sister and I. Uncle D had decided to go to supper and planned to visit with me a few days later when he would be back in town. 

The most awkward moment of all way my Dad coming up to my sister and I and asked if we wanted to visit the hospital in town (as that's where we were both born). We both declined and he walked away and got in his truck. Neither of us could figure out why the heck he had said this. A friend later pointed out that he could have been shocked that we both attended as we were not on the invite list but rather I was invited my Uncle D and I asked my sister to tag along. Only my Uncle D and T knew I was attending and only my Uncle D knew my sister was tagging along.

We had a great visit with my Uncle and Aunt. We both told them what happened between us and our Dad and all about our lives. My Aunt asked about my marriage and I began to tear up. I asked my sister to explain, I couldn't without bawling. I also never know how much to share, what's too much and what is too vague. She asked if he ever hit me. I just stared at her and she knew the answer. 

I've realized how important family is. I shut mine out for so long. I thought I was doing the smart thing, the right thing. I want to know them and I want them to know me. I wish I had known my Uncle T and Aunt B were looking for me. I wish I had the courage to reach out to them when I lived near them. I wish I could have run to my Uncle T when he was abusing me. I wish that he could have put the fear of God into him and get him to stop treating me like he did.

I know that my life has played out the way it has because it's God's plan and wishing this or that would have happened would mean I wouldn't be where I am now and I'm pretty happy with it.

Thursday, 18 August 2016


As I've mentioned before, I have PTSD which has caused my memory to be shotty at best. It's been interesting catching up with my friend the last few days. He asks if I remember this or that and I don't. It's crazy how the mind works isn't it? I think my mind is protecting me and has a wall up for anything that happened a year a go or longer. Occasionally opening the door to a memory or two. 

In the last month I've had few memories come back to me. The first was what he told me after we were married and I was shocked by it at the time but now I've realized that he already so much control over my life that I wasn't even appalled or upset. When he was younger and while he was living in the town he grew up in he and some of his friends stole a mentally challenged boy's bicycle and buried it in cement. He thought it was funny and told me it while giggling to himself. 

The second memory that came back to me was that he had told me that he's friends took turns sexually assault an aboriginal teenager at a party. After they were done with her the dumped her in a ditch. He told me he didn't participate but when I think about it, he probably did. I know that I really can't trust anything he said to me and shouldn't believe anything he told me.

As I look back on my marriage, I wonder if he had affairs with other women. I didn't get tested after my marriage but I'll be asking to be during my next physical. It's scary to think what he could have exposed me to. 

Yesterday was a big day. I finally filed my divorce papers. I would have sooner but their was an error and I had to wait for it to be corrected. It will be months before it's all processed but it feels great knowing that the end of that chapter in my life is coming. I just hope that he doesn't try and make things difficult. I hope to avoid lawyers and a battle. even to the point I'm willing to accept paying off all the debt myself. If he decides to fight me then I have enough courage and strength to come out guns blazing so to speak. I am hoping to remain the bigger person; to stay classy San Diego (Ron Burgundy reference for you). 

I see that I have some regular readers and I'd like to say thanks for making time in your life. I didn't start this blog with the intentions of getting thousands of followers; it was a step in my long healing process. I also hoped that it might help someone else in a similar situation. 

God Bless!

Wednesday, 17 August 2016


As I've mentioned in previous posts, he was great a making me feel guilty. I figured this would go away once I left. I knew it wouldn't be right away but over time. Well, it's been over a year now and it's come back.

Months into my marriage, one fight resulted in him suggesting I was flirting with a Facebook friend (a man) and while I professed I wasn't, he wouldn't back down. I decided to delete all male friends except family. I now suspect this was just his guilty conscience peek through. 

Since I left, I've started to connect with family and build up the support system (network) I so desperately needed previously. This has also resulted in adding some of my male friends back. One in particular found me earlier this week and added me. When I had left him, I changed my last name on Facebook to my middle name since changing it back to my maiden name would result in an influx of questions I wasn't prepared to answer. A week or two ago I finally changed it back to my maiden name. I find it interesting that this friend added me once he knew I was single.

We've been chatting back in forth and it turns out he got married a month after I did and is too in the process of divorce. He didn't add me until he knew I was single out of respect to my marriage. I instantly felt guilty for talking to a man again, this would be only the second time since I left (minus work and my church community group). I've struggled to talk to men and frankly saw no point as I'm still married and am not looking to date in the foreseeable future. 

He actually is in a similar situation. His wife was emotionally abusive and he's going through counseling and trying to get his life back together. We've both been very clear that there isn't anything else going on except friendship. Thing is, I question myself. Am I leading him on? Am I messing with someone's potential spouse? Am I cheating on my spouse? Stupid, I know. This is that guilt peeking it's ugly head out. 

It's interesting when different people tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. It hits me differently. I remember my step-father saying to my Mum, "I can't understand how anyone could get angry with her or her dog". I teared up. It's very different to hear a man tell me I didn't deserve it vs. a woman. Neither is better than the other, just different. My counselor also told me something similar (she was crying after I told her of one incident just days before I left) and I cried. It doesn't get old to hear it. It's not as though I believe I deserved it, not deep down at least. But each time I hear it, I'm strengthened. I'm realizing that I am not damaged or broken. That I deserve a man who will treat me like a princess; that will open the door for me, bring me flowers for no special reason and that will love me as I am (past and all). 

I worry that this man isn't out there or that he won't be in the "packaging" I'd like. But then I turn back to my faith and realize that I'm not in control and that God has had a plan for my life up until now so He has one for the rest of my life. That He has a man lined up for me but of course, it's on His time and not mine. I can't force it like I did this marriage. As much as I hope that I meet someone now and build a friendship that could later lead to a romantic one. It sounds great on paper but then again, I'm not ready to trust a new man. 

This current friend on my that I'm talking to is older than I am, in a different province and has seen me in some less than favorable times in my life. I don't think I would feel as comfortable talking to him in person but it's nice to have someone to talk to about working through the emotional baggage. As I type this, I am still questioning myself and worried what you all might think of this. Yet another time in my life I need to stop worrying about what the world thinks of me and focus on what God thinks of me. 

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

One Year!

Today marks one year since I left him (though if you look at days of the week it would have been this past Sunday). I've been reflecting on this the past few days, my shortcomings and my successes. 

Some successes include finding myself again, mind you I'm not totally myself but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I've been in years. I haven't had a panic attack in months and my anxiety is at a new low. I'm not confident I would hold it completely together if I ran into him tomorrow but I wouldn't run away from him as fast as my legs would allow. 

I've also realized that it's time for me to get back out there as far as friends. I need to make some new friends and connect with those I have pulled away from. I'm not saying I'm going back to the party animal I was but I'd like to have an outing or two a week. I want to go camping, explorer BC and travel. 

Shortcomings include delaying my paperwork as far as my divorce. Long story short, his last name prior to our marriage is wrong. The other shortcoming is I wanted to be closer to debt freedom but I've managed to accumulate more debt. I'm a bit disappointed but I also am not making what I should have been. 

The other thing I've been thinking about is that I'm lonely and I'd like to find someone. This also scared the heck out of me. The idea of dating once again is frightening. This city is so transient and people seem very unapproachable. Truth be told, the best place for me to start looking (when I'm actually ready) is my church. It's huge and has a younger population. Downside is a lot of christian my age are already married. I'm not apposed to dating someone a year or two younger but I don't want to feel like a cougar. 

I mentioned this to my Mum who pointed out the reason I may feel lonely is because it's not as though I was happy in my marriage. I was lonely in my marriage for years. I felt unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. I now know that this wasn't my fault; that it was part of his abuse.

I also think that this loneliness can only really be filled by Jesus. I've lagged on keeping up with my bible reading. I haven't been to church in a while now (partly because I was away and partly because I don't like the summer pastor). 

Another success would be re-connecting with extended family. I've managed to have a relationship with one paternal uncle and am working towards the same with another. I've also connected with an aunt (my paternal grandmothers youngest sister). I want these bounds to strengthen. I want to have this support network going forward and especially when I start dating again. I want the man I chose to date to go through the wringer with my the men in my life. 

I have big plans for the next year of my life (travel, finalizing my divorce and living the life I've dreamed about for the years I was married to him). I can also say that I've managed to lower my depression medication and I think it's time to lower it once again. Fingers crossed I can get to the lowest dose possible if not off it completely.