I realized the other day that I haven't blogged in a long time. I've been trying to read my bible more and exercise and lose weight. I've gained 13 pounds since leaving him and I want it gone. The issue is, I'm a binge eater. It's a horrible cycle to live in. Restrict - Binge - Guilt - Purge. I don't purge but it's a self hate cycle. I've been trying to figure out how to stop it. I need to love myself more and stop worrying about what other people think of me or how they see me.
I think that IIFYM (if it fits your macros) might be a better approach that a super structured plan. If I tell myself that I can't have cookies or chocolate or whatever "unclean" foods, I can only hold out for so long before I binge.
I struggle (big time) with perfectionism and worrying about what others think. I feel like need to have it all together. Look fit, be happy, be smart... it' exhausting. It makes me enjoy my life even less. I don't want my body (my health) to even prevent me from doing something. But currently it is, my adrenal fatigue messing up my cortisol levels which is contributing to my weight gain and cravings. I will say that my sleep has improved though which is a great start to my healing. Also, I can jog again. I jog for 30 seconds and walk for 30 seconds but can only let myself jog for 15 minutes to ensure I don't spike my stress levels. It's great for my mental health too.
I went for a hike today to break in my new hiking boots (more on them later) and I spent some of it in prayer. Asking God to help me. I then heard Him say that I need to love myself because He loves me so much.
I boot hiking boots because I decided to plan a four day hiking trip with my older sister for next spring. Since we both have already bought them we decided to plan a day hike for my visit next month. My sister has really been trying to get in shape and is excited to use training for this hike as an opportunity to do that. She's been going out on the days that her husband is off work.
This week brought an incredible blessing. I questioned why I went through years of abuse and what good would come of it. It was to help someone else through it. I'm a member of a Christian separation and divorce support group on Facebook. This young woman (only 21) had posted looking for help and support regarding her controlling and mentally abusive husband. She finally decided to leave him and she was waiting for her friend and friends husband to drive from a her home state to pick her up (3-4 hours away). Her husband was asleep and she was freaking out on the inside. I added her on Facebook so I could chat with her while she waited. While I chatted with her trying to keep her mind off of the waiting and also making sure she had the important things ready to go. She told me she had lost her mom last August and I could feel the whole in her heart that the loss left. I thought back to what it was like for me at that time and how grateful I am that my Mum was there for me. That she no only was there to listen but she also knew what I was going through. She was able to help me plan and prepare. At that moment, talking with the woman, it made sense. I could be that person for her, that person for others.
