Today marks one year since I left him (though if you look at days of the week it would have been this past Sunday). I've been reflecting on this the past few days, my shortcomings and my successes.
Some successes include finding myself again, mind you I'm not totally myself but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I've been in years. I haven't had a panic attack in months and my anxiety is at a new low. I'm not confident I would hold it completely together if I ran into him tomorrow but I wouldn't run away from him as fast as my legs would allow.
I've also realized that it's time for me to get back out there as far as friends. I need to make some new friends and connect with those I have pulled away from. I'm not saying I'm going back to the party animal I was but I'd like to have an outing or two a week. I want to go camping, explorer BC and travel.
Shortcomings include delaying my paperwork as far as my divorce. Long story short, his last name prior to our marriage is wrong. The other shortcoming is I wanted to be closer to debt freedom but I've managed to accumulate more debt. I'm a bit disappointed but I also am not making what I should have been.
The other thing I've been thinking about is that I'm lonely and I'd like to find someone. This also scared the heck out of me. The idea of dating once again is frightening. This city is so transient and people seem very unapproachable. Truth be told, the best place for me to start looking (when I'm actually ready) is my church. It's huge and has a younger population. Downside is a lot of christian my age are already married. I'm not apposed to dating someone a year or two younger but I don't want to feel like a cougar.
I mentioned this to my Mum who pointed out the reason I may feel lonely is because it's not as though I was happy in my marriage. I was lonely in my marriage for years. I felt unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. I now know that this wasn't my fault; that it was part of his abuse.
I also think that this loneliness can only really be filled by Jesus. I've lagged on keeping up with my bible reading. I haven't been to church in a while now (partly because I was away and partly because I don't like the summer pastor).
Another success would be re-connecting with extended family. I've managed to have a relationship with one paternal uncle and am working towards the same with another. I've also connected with an aunt (my paternal grandmothers youngest sister). I want these bounds to strengthen. I want to have this support network going forward and especially when I start dating again. I want the man I chose to date to go through the wringer with my the men in my life.
I have big plans for the next year of my life (travel, finalizing my divorce and living the life I've dreamed about for the years I was married to him). I can also say that I've managed to lower my depression medication and I think it's time to lower it once again. Fingers crossed I can get to the lowest dose possible if not off it completely.
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