The reason I haven't seen (or spoken to) my Dad in all these years is that he was a negative relationship. I think the reason he was more distant with me (compared to my sister) was because I am so much like my mother. We look alike, have the same mannerisms and we think alike. He never really got over my mother leaving, mainly because he too is a narcissist. His job made him anger, bitter and a racist. I however chose (and still do) to see the good in the world; to believe people are inherently good. He didn't like that he couldn't control me, couldn't change me into who he thought I should be. For years after I felt like I had to hide from him, like in some way I was still a littler girl hiding from a spanking. I've since realized that I'm an adult and there is little he can do to hurt me. Sure, he could try and say hurtful things or pass judgement on my but I've moved past looking for his approval. I've realized that my father wound can only really be healed and the hole filled by God's love because He is the one true father in my life.
As my sister and I pulled up to the cemetery, I felt my a pit in my stomach; I was nervous about what may be said. We got out of the car as people were standing around waiting for the priest to show up. My Great-Aunt hugged me as did my Aunt B. I had gone in this situation with an open mind, willing to hug my Dad and make polite conversation about the weather and what not. What I got was nothing like that. I got a hello, from a distance. He barely said a word to my sister and I all afternoon. It was awkward; there was a clear divide and the air was frosty.
As we stood there as the priest blessed the grave-site, I realized he wasn't this big man I remembered. Granted, he did lose some muscle mass in the last decade, he wasn't a big scary man anymore. In fact, I kept looking down at his feet and thinking how small they were. I was shocked at how old he looked. He had most white hair, liver spots all over the sides of face and his face look like leather (think Dog the Bounty Hunter). His oldest brother looked at least 10 years younger.
I knew that there was only one thing my Dad could talk about that would upset me, my failed marriage. That wound can still be raw at times. Other than that, I felt strong enough to either defend myself or walk away. What else could he say, really? I work for a non-profit and help those with disabilities, I support myself, I'm not an alcoholic, drug addict and I care about others. He didn't ask me about it my my Great Aunt did. I tried to change the subject subtly but she didn't get it. What disappointed me but didn't surprise me was that my Dad lied about caring for the grave-site and making an annual trip for the last 20 years to the site.
As we left the cemetery plans had been made to meet up for lunch. Those siding with my Dad left together. Those who sided with my sister and I took a different route. We had planned to stop by the old farm and school house on our way there. I rode with my Uncle D, we had been talking every few weeks on FaceTime and I was excited to see him in person.
This divide in the group meant I missed out on time with my Great Aunt and I missed out on the time with my cousin and one of my Uncles. Granted, Uncle B is apparently besties with my Dad and I wouldn't trust him enough to talk about my life.
As we sat down for lunch, there was clear strategy. My Dad had sat in the middle of the table. My Aunt asked my Uncle T to sit at the opposite side of the long table so she could sit with my sister, my cousin and I. I sat next to my Great Aunt knowing she would be my shield from my Dad. We stayed there for a few hours, eating and talking. Afterwards there was some mumblings about what to do afterwards. My sister and I had planned to be flexible, brought a change of clothes in case we wanted to spend more time with them or could leave at anytime. We heard mention of supper at my Dad's house. Shortly after my Dad got up from the table and my Uncle B said to my sister and I that he would like us to fix things with our Dad. We both explained that we have tried. An after thought was, why assume it's our problem to fix. He invited us to our Dad's place(even though our Dad certainly didn't). We declined and headed outside. We were standing talking with our Aunt B and Uncle T (who were not invited by my Dad but rather by Uncle B) who had declined supper as they wanted to visit with my sister and I. Uncle D had decided to go to supper and planned to visit with me a few days later when he would be back in town.
The most awkward moment of all way my Dad coming up to my sister and I and asked if we wanted to visit the hospital in town (as that's where we were both born). We both declined and he walked away and got in his truck. Neither of us could figure out why the heck he had said this. A friend later pointed out that he could have been shocked that we both attended as we were not on the invite list but rather I was invited my Uncle D and I asked my sister to tag along. Only my Uncle D and T knew I was attending and only my Uncle D knew my sister was tagging along.
We had a great visit with my Uncle and Aunt. We both told them what happened between us and our Dad and all about our lives. My Aunt asked about my marriage and I began to tear up. I asked my sister to explain, I couldn't without bawling. I also never know how much to share, what's too much and what is too vague. She asked if he ever hit me. I just stared at her and she knew the answer.
I've realized how important family is. I shut mine out for so long. I thought I was doing the smart thing, the right thing. I want to know them and I want them to know me. I wish I had known my Uncle T and Aunt B were looking for me. I wish I had the courage to reach out to them when I lived near them. I wish I could have run to my Uncle T when he was abusing me. I wish that he could have put the fear of God into him and get him to stop treating me like he did.
I know that my life has played out the way it has because it's God's plan and wishing this or that would have happened would mean I wouldn't be where I am now and I'm pretty happy with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment