I Am So Blessed

I was asked my a friend "why are women so vindictive?" to which I responded that not all women are. I truly believe that one's reaction to stress will dictate how they respond to hurt and heart break. I myself am one who flees. I don't want to fight and I certainly don't want to be vindictive. Some people are fighters and want to come out swinging. Then there are those who freeze (like my Mum) and just stand there stunned and just take it. 

I could blast all over social media the horrible person that my ex is, but I don't see the point. I don't need the drama it would cause. I'd rather wash my hands of him and the hurt and move on with my life. I don't care if he bad-mouths me or sleeps with every woman that will have him. We've broken up and therefor I no longer get to have an opinion of his life's decisions. 

The more I talk with my male friend about his divorce the more I realize that I am so fortunate. I don't have to have a lawyer battle his lawyer (not that he has one anyway). I don't have to worry if I'll get my stuff back from him (I took it all when I left). I don't have guilt about taking everything I possibly could (I split everything equally). I don't worry about my friends telling my ex things about me now (none of them will speak to him if he tried). We didn't really own anything of value so I don't have to worry about that aspect either. All in all, I'm blessed to have separated the way I did. My ex may think it was conniving and cruel but it was the kindest thing I could do. Sure, he was left with living in a place he couldn't afford alone and therefor had to move but he got what was his and half of what was ours. I think what hurt him almost as much as my leaving was he couldn't have a temper tantrum about it in front of me. 

I don't understand why some people still want to know what their ex is doing. I mean, you are broken up and they don't need to know what you're doing. Why allow ex's to take up emotional real estate? I told my friend that "I could care less if my ex slept with half the woman in my city and got a venereal disease. It's not my place to judge or care what he does with his life as of last August". I think the time following a break up is best spent on moving on and healing (learning/reflecting) on the hurts and mistakes of the relationship. One should take time to work on themselves before anything else. My Mum always said that you should take a year to move on after the end of a serious relationship. My year is up but my marriage isn't so single I remain. 

I understand more now than ever why God calls us to save ourselves for marriage. Sex gets in the way and why awaken that part within yourself before then? Problem is, that's already awakened in me and I can't do too much about it. Maybe this is one of the many reason's God didn't plan for us to divorce. We once had sex on a fairly regular basis and suddenly, nothing. Granted, sex for me was not something I enjoyed in my marriage but I do remember enjoying it in previous relationships. People still have needs and desires. I'm curious how I'll handle sex when I get married again. Will it cause flash backs of previous events with my ex? Or will I be healed enough to not even think about it. I suspect that if I trust God to lead me to the man I am supposed to marry He'll heal those hurts in my life by the time I get to that point. 

I don't just miss the sex aspect of a relationship but that's closeness. Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Going for a walk and holding hands. Date nights and getting all dressed up for a man. I don't have too many fond memories like that from my marriage but I have them from previous relationships. I don't need a man to make me feel complete or beautiful because I already am by God. I just miss the physical closeness. I mean, it's not as though I wouldn't enjoy being loved and desired by a man. 

You thoughts? Leave me a comment.