Monday 25 April 2016

Sunday Funday

Today is Sunday and I got to thinking about how much I used to love Sundays. It was the start of his work week. I slept in peacefully and spent the day doing things that made me happy. At least until I had to make sure the house was clean and supper was made.

I usually went to church and stopped for sushi on my way home. I'd then stop at the store and grab some junk food and make sure all evidence was disposed of prior to his return. I think this is where my binge eating issues began. 

I looked forward to Sundays and getting back to work on Mondays because at least I was "safe" from him at least in a physical sense. I will still be berated by text messages and phone calls. I never really paid much attention to the frequency until the end. And yet others have since commented on it. I finally got up the courage and informed him I would not longer answer the phone on Sundays and that he could text me in the event of an emergency. This lead to an increase of the accusation that I was cheating; that I spent the day having sex with some guy or girl. 

I think over the years I have developed this pattern or mentality. Hurry up and tidy up. Everything must be clean and put away in order for me to relax. Case in point this last week. I was working my extra job two late nights in a row. Because of this I decided not to put my bed away (I live in a bachelorette apartment with a trundle bed). This means that my apartment becomes crowded because I need to move around a few things to accommodate the bed. It was messing looking because of this which cause my anxiety levels to rise while at home. 

I am constantly tidying and putting things away. I hate dirty dishes in the sink and I try and keep things put away. I justify this to myself that this is because my apartment is so small and so it can easily look messy. But I think we all know that this is a compulsive behaviour that stems from years of abuse.

I was out for a long walk the other day with my dog and walked past the old apartment building. It was a 1914 house that was converted into apartments but had been scheduled to be torn down and replaced with a high rise condo building but we were never sure when the demolition would start. We knew that we had to be given two months notice according to the tenancy act but they never gave us a time frame of when it would be. I noticed as I walked by that one of the front windows was covered by a piece of wood. I was curious if it had finally happened so I walked around the house to the back side via the alley. This was where my apartment was, the apartment I left him in. I found the missing window lend up against the wall in the living room. It had finally happened and it was finally empty. This meant that I could be 100% sure he had moved out instead of my 95% certainty. 

I follow a page on Facebook for separation and divorce support. The other day I saw a posting asking for help in dealing with the one year anniversary of her husband leaving her. At the time I didn't think much of it but today I saw a different post regarding how to handle different anniversaries (first date, engagement etc). This made me realize that the 5 year anniversary of my engagement was April 19th and I completely forgot. I didn't spend the day crying about how my life turned out (unlike my wedding anniversary). I didn't even think about it. It made me realize how far I've come. I've accepted my new life and that it didn't turn out to be the white picket fence I had hope for. It's something very different. I'm a survivor of abuse (in every sense of the word) and while I may not be thrilled with the thought that I may never find Mr.Right, I am happy that I'm no longer with Mr. Wrong. 

Being single and dating again is something that is closer than I'm comfortable with. But then again, it's not as though I "have" to start dating the day the ink is dry and the divorce is final. I don't want to rush into dating for two reasons. One being that I'm afraid that I'll end up with another Mr.Wrong who will abuse me. Two being that I am not sure how to navigate dating as a Christian woman. I'm conservative in certain things and liberal in others. I don't believe in sex before marriage but I also don't need a man who has followed that belief his whole life. I certainly didn't. I don't need him to be a "good little Christian" his whole life so long as he's realized the faults in those ways. I don't think I could date a "good little Christian" man, one who has never sworn, drank or made a few major mistakes in their life. 

In saying all this, I'm certain that God has someone in mind for me and that he might not be what I picture. I guess I'll have to wait and see what comes my way in the future. 

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