I don't know why but it I think my sub-conscious is working it's way through my ex-boyfriends. I have a few more to go and I'm not thrilled about it. Perhaps it's my minds way of showing me that I could be happy again but it would have to be with someone who knew what it meant to love someone. The men I've dated in the past were ... let's just say less than winners (with one exception).
I've also realized how long ago it's been since I dated the last two dreams main characters. Ten years for last nights dream and twelve years for the night before lasts dream. I got me thinking about all that I've done in that time and how much I've changes, grown up and matured. I'm not the same girl I was then. I've been told that I should write a letter to the child I was when I first witnessed abuse. I have yet to do that but I'd also like to write a letter to the girl I was twelve years ago.
Dear Self,
I would like to tell you first and foremost that I love you. I wish I knew at your age what I know now. You're a bright eyed 18 year old and you are deeply in love with a man who treats you like a princess. He's sweet, romantic and puts your well-being before his own. Remember this feeling you have, the way he makes you feel.
I know that your childhood was less than perfect and you have unseen wounds from the things you experienced and witnessed. Know that you did nothing wrong and you didn't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be abused, belittled and silenced.
You learned certain things out of survival. One was how to keep the peace. This is a great quality when used appropriately. But there will come a day where someone will try to misuse this quality (a gift really). You have every right to speak up and express your emotions. You don't need to remain silent when you feel like something is off for fear they may not like you or will start to argue. This quality could very easily turn into people pleasing. I want to warn you before this happens.
You don't need a boyfriend. You can wait for Mr.Right and remain single. Your current boyfriend and his family are a window into how relationships should be. Don't settle for anything less than this. Don't chase or seek out men. Don't let your heart fall for someone you don't know. Think about how you met your boyfriend. You were introduced by your sisters friend and you spent the entire night talking and nothing more. You didn't kiss him and he didn't try to kiss you. He respected you enough to wait. You went home thinking about how wonderful he was.
I know you aren't certain about God but I know you know there is something out there that created the earth. Have faith that He'll put the right people in your path. Don't try to force things to happen. If and when you want to get married trust that the right man will come into your life organically.
Love yourself enough to take care of you. You don't need alcohol for people to like you. You don't need to drink to numb yourself. You suffer from depression and masking it with alcohol will not help it go away. Don't waste your money on partying every weekend. Save some of it and use it to travel. Don't wait until your old to start seeing the world. Also, please quit smoking! It will save you more than you realize. Remember to have salad a bit more than McDonalds. Give up gluten and save yourself the years of pain and sickness. Remember to sleep, go for long walks and to call those who love you when you need a friendly voice.
Don't be afraid to be different. So often we just want to fit in with our friends. Thing is, you can find friends that fit who you really are. You don't need to change yourself or pretend to be something you're not. You like the music, activities, clothes and movies you do for a reason. It's one thing to participate in different things (sports, activities, pastimes etc) but don't pretend you love them if you don't.
Don't compare yourself to anyone. This one is very important. You have a natural tendency to look over the fence and think that it's greener. It's not! You aren't your Mum, older sister or classmates. You have your own path and rate in which you walk it. You may not ever be a CEO, a doctor or an engineer. You may not be rich or famous but you will have a life that is filled with challenges and blessings. Life can't always be rainbows and sunshine. How else would you appreciate the happy times?
Forgive your father. He's a broken man who lost his mother and then father at such a young age. The man he is today was not the man your Mum married. He's become angry, negative and racist because of policing. Forgiving him doesn't mean that you allow his negativity in your life. You can love him from a distance. You can set up boundaries with him and have consequences if they're broken. You don't need to love his wife. She may be a part of his life but she doesn't have to be a part of yours. You don't have to distance yourself from his relatives even if you keep him at a distance. You may not fully appreciate the importance of family but just trust me on this one.
Give your Mum grace. She isn't perfect and has had a lot of challenges in her life. She was so severely abused in her childhood and doesn't fully understand what a healthy relationship looks like. She's lost and heart after two failed marriages. These marriage failures weren't her fault but she may still blame herself. She'll eventually find happiness in herself but isn't there yet.
Make more time for your little sister. She will not always be this small. She will not always be so close by. She is going to grow up like an only child which is lonely. She will grow up and face racism. She won't be native enough for some and she won't be white enough for others. She will suffer from depression and needs to know that it isn't something shameful. Show her that you aren't ashamed of your own depression so she'll feel like she can tell you about her struggles when they come. She will face loss. Comforter her on the little hurts now so she knows she can come to you when the big ones come.
Lastly, appreciate your older sister. She will be the rock in your life; the shore line for the rough waters you may encounter. She won't always have the words but she'll always listen. Give her opportunity to speak into your life. Listen when she sheds perspective on people and circumstances. She knows you and knows what your childhood looked like. She stood and took the brunt of the abuse if and when she could. She tried to protect you then so let her protect you now.
You are a beautiful person inside and out.
Love,
Your 30 year old Self
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