This week I met with my counselor and we talked about the different types of abuse I suffered throughout my marriage. We talked about isolation, control and manipulation without me shedding a tear.
I talked about how he was able to come off charming, funny and affectionate. That this is what I saw when we began dating. This is what others saw even at the time I left. He was so great at appearing like a gentlemen. One example I gave was an incident the fall before I left. It was raining out and we were walking outside. I had a small umbrella in my purse and a water resistant jacket on. He tried to squeeze under my umbrella but we both couldn't fit so I gave him the umbrella and took my coat off and used it as an umbrella. He got so mad and asked me (instead of yell because we were in public) "how does that make me look"? Instead he complained about getting soaked. He would give up his chair and opt to stand during business conferences sometimes but would be so grumpy and complain to me any opportunity he could. He cared more about what others thought instead of trying to be an actual knight in shinning armor for his wife, the one he vowed to love and cherish.
When my counselor asked me about the physical abuse I began to tear up. She asked why I hadn't brought it up. I explained that I felt shameful about it. I had aspiration of being a police officer and yet I let a man treat me that way. I didn't feel like talking about it would really be that helpful because I knew it was wrong and that it wasn't my fault. That no matter what I said or did, I didn't deserve to be treated that way. She asked me to tell her about the ways he would physically abuse me. After I told her she began to cry and told me she was so sorry that it happened to me. We both sat crying for a minute (not like 10 seconds which can feel like a minute but literally at least an entire 60 seconds). She asked me how I feel about it today and admitted how angry I was with the police and my family situation. I didn't have a man to stand up for me because a woman reading his the proverbial riot act wouldn't have the same effect.
As my counselling is biblical she talked about how God loved me and protected me even though men on earth (my father, the police etc) failed to do so. So my homework for these next two weeks was to read my bible (specifically verses about God's fatherly love) and to reach out to my friends and family (that I felt comfortable with) and ask them some questions. What did they see? What did they wish they had said? What did they say that I didn't hear?
I asked my Mum these questions last night and somethings I remembered and others I didn't. I don't remember calling my Mum on many occasions during my dating relationship with him crying. When I stopped my Mum assumed that the issues had been resolved. Then she talked about the first time of physical violence and how she felt like she had failed my as a mother; that she taught me to put up with abuse. I assured her that she hadn't but truthfully, in a way she did. She failed to show me what a healthy relationship looked like. I certainly don't blame her for my abuse or for the cards that she was dealt in life. I just didn't have anyone around me that could model a healthy dating/ married relationship.
She talked about how she and my older sister noticed how I pulled away from them early on in my marriage and my younger sister felt abandoned and unloved because of this. Eventually I would call more often and be a little more open but would only call when I wasn't with him. How they began to suspect something was very wrong but had agreed to just love me and support me until I told them. My Mum came to visit "us" year two of the marriage to check up on me and find out what was really going on. I said "us" because he didn't make any effort to spend time with my Mum. The visit was basically with me. Initially my Mum thought that we had a good marriage and felt a sense of relief. After she left she began to realize that it was all a big front. She was well aware of abusers ability to put on the charm. She continued to love me and let me know she supported me. I can't imagine how hard this must of been for my family.
I now have to ask my older sister and a few friends. This isn't going to be easy. At one point last night I froze up because of something my Mum said (which I can't even remember now) but it triggered the feeling I had when I had to have sex with him and I felt almost dirty. Pray for me, I need extra strength to ask others. The reason for these questions is to open the dialog with my support system and give them permission to call me out should they see any red-flags with future relationships (friendships or romantic relationships). I want to remind myself that these people love me and I should trust their judgement of others just as much as I trust myself.
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