Thursday 3 March 2016

Binge Eating Myself Sick

I'm currently in an out of control binge eating spree. As I type, my stomach is so full it feels tight. Why am I doing this to myself you may wonder. Two reasons. The first is that I still worry about going hungry or not knowing what food will be left when I get home or wake up in the morning. Did he throw it away? Will he throw it at me? These are things my sub-conscious reminds me of. So I eat what I can when I can. Thing is, that was then and I'm in the here and now. He's not in my kitchen and hasn't been in many months. I never went "hungry" but many, many times I didn't have too much to take for lunch. Many times it was lentils with rice and a bit of seasoning. I would tuck those items on the top shelf of the food cupboard so he would either need to get a chair or jump up on the counter to throw those items away. 

The other reason which is a more recent issue is I'm struggling financially. Currently I have less than 10 dollars to my name until Friday. This doesn't factor in the $800 owing in my over draft and $2000 owing on my credit card. Months back I got a consolidation loan for all the debt racked up during my marriage to save my re-built credit score. My credit card and over draft were paid off with this and I've racked it back up. 

In my previous life (living with him), I would rush home from work and clean the house. Then I would make supper and do the dishes as I went. Even after eating supper I would immediately do the dishes and put them away. The less I left on the counter meant the less he had to throw at me if he had a fit. I rarely sat down. The only time I did was to talk to family and it was only before he got home or while I walked my dog so he wouldn't listen in and question me or accuse me of things once off the phone. On the days he didn't work I would make supper more often than not. Why the heck didn't he do all the things I did on days he worked? He was too busy going out and spending our money. Going for lunch, shopping for clothes, shopping for groceries we couldn't really afford. 

I look forward to every evening I have off. Once I've done a few things on my to-do-list and gone for a run I make a snack and relax on the couch. I relish in the down time I now have. I decide what I'm going to have earlier in the day and look forward to it. 

I used to be so controlling toward what I ate. Calculating to the gram how much protein, fat and carbs I planned on consuming that day. That was at my fittest point and thought I could replicate this again. How wrong I was. By telling myself I could only eat this much or eat healthy foods I set myself up to fail. I wasn't clinging to controlling my food as I did previously because I had control on other areas of my life. I wanted to lose 10 lbs and get down to what I was a few years ago when I first lost all the weight but I've realized this isn't a realistic goal in my life right now. So to solve my binge eating problem I've decided to stop tracking what I'm eating and thus not thinking about food in a scarcity mind set. Yes, I'd like to look fabulous in a bikini but at the rate I was going I was going to put on 10 lbs or develop a serious problem with food.

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