I was married to master manipulator. He slowly over time took control of my emotions and thoughts. It was so subtle I didn't notice until it was too late.
I questioned myself constantly. Was I being oversensitive? Was I controlling? Was I manipulative? Was I abusive?
This weeks church sermon really got me thinking about him. He sought to make himself the centre of me. I slowly allowed him to do so but am thankful I never actually lost faith. I can recall many times (too many to count) crying in the bathroom on my knees calling out to God. Why God, why am I hear? Why do I deserve this? Why aren't you changing him, changing his heart? I've been praying for years God, others too, for him to come to know Jesus and be saved. I couldn't understand why I had to endure this after enduring similar circumstances as a child. Hadn't I paid my dues and taken my bumps?
The pastor also talked about having patience for God's plan. That really made me smile. I had patience (and still do) for God's plan. I left with a renewed sense of gratitude for everything God has already worked out for my good. He did because I didn't force it myself (like I have in the past). I wanted to be married so bad that I was blinded. It made me realize that despite the fact I am single again and only have so many childbearing years left, God has a plan for my life.
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