As this discussion was going on I started to think about my marriage and how it directly links to the sermon. I wasn't a Christian when I married him but through suffering I found Jesus. I was redeemed but my life was far from perfect. I waited in faith but I didn't know what that faith was leading me to. I started to feel a panic attack coming on but reminded myself to breath and I managed to stop the attack before it started.
God made the Israelites wander the desert because of their lack of faith. Does this mean that God made me endure years of abuse because of my lack of faith? Or was he using the situation for his glory? I think it's the latter. I was new to my faith and had a lot of road blocks to living out my faith because of him. But, I went to church, I learnt to pray, I read my bible (when I could) and I trusted God to work something out.
Because of the way God arranged it all for his glory, I am strengthened in my faith. I know that God arranged the time of my exodus and worked out all the little details. I know that God loves me and while my earthly father was a failure in my life, He has never failed me. He will never fail me, Just as He never failed the Isrealites. He made sure they had food to survive each day. He ensured their clothing would last. I know that God provides the means to allow me to buy food but the clothing thing really mades me think. I mean how many times do we buy an expensive pair of shoes or a great pair of jeans and they last 4 years (pretty much never) let alone 40 years. God apparently doesn't need those Michael Kors boots to last a life time even if they are classic and fashionly speaking would like the test of time. Jackie O's style was a classic but I imagine her clothing hasn't lasted her the last 40 years.
Back to Exodus.... when you think about the amount of time the Isrealites were enslaved (430 years) vs the amount of time they had to spend wandering the desert it makes my 4 years of a crappy marriage and 30 days of waiting to move looks like a cake walk. Imagine how they felt the day they left Egypt. Do you think they remembered that feeling during those 40 years? Do you think it helped them get through each day? I can still remember the way I felt each day during the count down to moving day. I felt sick to my stomach and worried he would catch me leaving him. I couldn't sleep (and yet slept better than I do now) and would pretend to sleep long enough for him to fall asleep, then I would open the Ikea app on my phone and plan out my new apartment.
I spent so long waiting, hanging on to the hope that one day my life would be better with him. Turns out that day never came but a better day did. A day where I wake up (when I'm ready instead of just before I think he'll be mad because "I'm wasting away the day"), I grab my coffee and take my dog for a walk. Most days I'm on the verge of tears as I walk, not because I'm sad my marriage is over but happy to be free. Some days it's also the feeling of loneliness and missing the feeling of being in love but never missing being in love with him. It's funny, I almost forget what he looks like now and yet he still haunts me in my dreams.
I try to focus on the little things, the little freedoms I have each day. Yesterday I went to finally switch my drivers license to BC and I had the freedom to get the license in my maiden name and was so excited. I never thought I would be happy to carry my fathers name and frankly wanted to change my last name since we stopped talking in 2007 but yesterday, I was proud to have it back, At least that name meant something to me, something that wasn't a reminder of the chains of bondage.
I also bought a Christmas tree yesterday and even though I wanted a fresh one, I bought a fake one. I couldn't leave a really tree for 2 weeks at Christmas because it would be a fire hazard. I spent an obscene amount of time in the store trying to pick one out and started to feel panic and the need to hurry up. Then I stopped myself and realized he wasn't standing next to me, rushing me like he would. He wasn't getting mad at me for being myself (which is indecisive at times). I relished in the time to think about which tree I really wanted. I finally decided on a small, pre-lite interior/exterior tree that was in a planter. It was a matter of floor space and this one had the smallest diameter without being a table top tree.
Last night I sat there, decorating my new tree with my new decoration. He would hate this tree with its shabby tinsel garlend and pink decorations. The thing is, it's so me and each time I look at it I smile and remember that this apartment is mine and this year is my time to remember who I once was and who I truly am going to be going forward.
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