Survival Response

I haven't written in a while. I was busy again with work. It took my a few days before I had a realization. God knows when I can handle dealing with a part of my trauma and when I can't. So this morning, I was ready. I realized after a long night with little sleep that I used to feel sick most days. Tired, headaches, stomach pains etc plagued me during my marriage. Now, I feel better most days even though I work more. 

People may wonder how I survived him so long. The human body (and spirit) is an amazing thing, it's programmed to survive. Survive fear, famine and trauma among other things. I lived in a world that made abuse a regular and almost normal thing. I remembered sitting down with a pastor over a year ago and found it hard to explain the reason behind me fear. How can you explain abuse when it's a normal part of your world. It's not until you find yourself in a new world can you actually realize how bad it got, slowly, over months and years. How he groomed you, he manipulated you and used your natural strengths (but mostly weaknesses) to his advantage.

I couldn't verbalize the sexual abuse because I couldn't even recognize that's what it was. I couldn't verbalize the control he had over me because he had made me believe I was trying to control him. I couldn't explain why I felt sick so often, even after I found out I had Celiac's disease. How could I explain that my body was screaming to me that something was wrong. It could only keep up the "survival" so long and it reached maximum capacity long ago.

Since being free, I don't feel sick very often. Tired, yes but then again I'm working through so serious trauma and dealing with depression. That can really take it out of you. My stomach doesn't hurt and I rarely even get a headache.

As I sit here typing I just remembered the time I was hospitalized two weeks before my wedding. I had a migraine for over a week and my prescription medication wasn't working anymore. He was less than understanding and I hadn't even married him yet. How did I not see this as a red flag?

I don't know what I was thinking, I wanted the pain to stop but I really didn't want any needles let alone an IV. He sarcastically asked me what I thought they were going to do. Perhaps this migraine was my body screaming for me to call off the wedding. Then again, I don't have regrets about the way my life has played out. The plan God had for my escape and all he worked out (for His glory) made me 100% certain it was Him.

For the most part these days, I'm healthy. My main issue these days is anxiety. Anxiety and nervousness are two very different things but most people use those two works interchangeably. I found an posting on Facebook that talked about the secretes of anxiety. The difference for me is anxiety causes me not to feel hungry until I have intense hunger pains vs being nervous I can still feel hungry. Currently, nothing seems overly appetizing. Normally I can decide what I want to eat fairly quickly but this week I don't want anything at all. I'm hoping that once the plane lands on Christmas eve that this anxiety will dissipate.