Haunted

I feel a bit haunted the last few days. I had a bit of a moment in the shower Sunday morning. I had a flash back to showering with him and then I thought he got into the shower with me. I hated showering with him because he wanted it to be a sexual activity. I however, wanted it to be a time to get clean and get out. There I was, shampoo running down my face I opened my eyes to check and pulled the shower curtain back to check the bathroom. I know that may in fact be a sign of insanity, or maybe it's a sign of PTSD.

Last night I laid in bed trying to fall asleep and I felt like someone was standing over my bed. Of course no one was but I got to thinking why all these thoughts and feelings are coming forward. For weeks I've been working through the sadness and loneliness that comes from separation. I've seemed to have moved on to dealing with some of the trauma. 

He haunts my mind, all he put me through and all he did to me. I'm trying to find my new normal. I still have this feeling of wasting the days away or that my apartment is messy and this neurotic thought to put as much away to avoid it being broken. I still have this sheet of crumbled paper with my exercise routine. It's crumbled because I left it out once and during a fight he crumbled it up and threw it in the garbage. There are still little bits of him in my life and try as I may to forget his existence he isn't fully gone. 

He control the finances, despite the fact that I made more money. He would frequently spend the account to $0, max out my credit cards and then complain that he didn't have spending money for his days off. I however would spend $30 every few weeks on getting my nails done and would get guilt-ed about it. I remember worrying about what I would eat and if he'd throw a tantrum and throw out what food we did have in the fridge. I blamed my finances on him and for the most part still do. The amount of money that man spent on restaurants was ridiculous. The thing is, I did it to myself this time. I didn't see it coming but I did it. I'm strapped for cash for the next 2 weeks and it sucks. I sabotaged myself. I bought a few things I needed and in the past couldn't have (rubber boots being one of them) and now can't really afford to do much of anything. Bright side, I work a lot during that time, 6 shifts in 9 days. Why did I agree to work that much? Because I'm a crazy person... actually it's because I'm taking two weeks off at Christmas to go back to the prairies and visit my family. 

Yesterday was the last day of the month and I felt a little excited. What's so special about the last day of November you might ask. I hope and pray it's the day he moves out of our apartment (that's two blocks from my apartment) move downtown (closer to his current job). Why November 30th? Because I finally told him mid-October that I was seeking a divorce. He hopefully gave notice at the end of October and thus would move end of November. If he didn't move downtown maybe I'll hit the jackpot and he'll move back to the prairies. Why would he go back? Because he's got an ego and the cash he used to make as a engineering technologist vs what he makes now is night and day. It's easier to find a new victim girlfriend when you have cash to take them out to dinner and buy them presents. His current income would fund McDonald's and a dollarstore find. 

Fingers crossed I can now live in my wonderful neighbourhood sans him. I currently take the back alley's to get to the convenience store or grocery store in my neighbourhood to avoid the potential of seeing him on the street. I am constantly looking over my shoulder in the store for fear he'll be there buying junk food like he did before I left. The one thing I can say is the panic I felt within when I was walking in my neighbourhood has dissipated over the last nearly 4 months. Maybe now I'll have the courage to get back to running... or maybe I'll stay on the couch eating my weight in gluten free cookies. Either way, so long November!