As I continued to read "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel, I came upon a chapter I wish I had read before. But then again, if he found the book a blow out fight would have followed. The chapter talked how to decide whether to work it out or leave. She listed off some situations where it was best to leave and I was struck by a few.
#3 - You have begun to fantasize about harming or killing your abuse. I have never admitted this to anyone but as readers, I trust you (and it doesn't hurt that I'm hidden behind my laptop screen). I however did admit to a friend of mine years ago I wished he would "just kill me already". I am not a violent person; I feel bad when I kill a spider. I wish I could take it every stray animal I come across. It hurts my heart to say no to panhandlers downtown. I remember nights where I would be laying in bed (pretending to already be asleep to avoid continuing to argue or having to give into sex yet again) and thinking about slitting his throat. I know murder is wrong and I know I would be caught and imprisoned. I know that murder is a sin and that I could never life with myself. But I just wanted him to stop, to go away, to be out of my life so this pain would stop.
#4 - You are seriously questioning your sanity. Oh. My. Gosh. Yes! At one point it was recommended that I be hospitalized at the mental hospital because I was struggling so much. I was so lost in my own mind because he convinced me I was crazy and that the way I saw the world was wrong. He used to ask me (but really he was telling me) "What other guy would put up with the way you treat me". That there wasn't a man out there that would put up with my "craziness" and the lack of sex. This was part of him gaslighting me. Make me feel so broken, so crazy, so horrible that I won't leave because I'm too weak. One perfect example is he had convinced me shortly after my wedding that my Mum never gave the "welcome to the family" speech. I tried to defend her and did for months but eventually he had convinced me she hadn't. Only after I had entered the time where I had serious thoughts of leaving did I ask my Mum for the truth.
I was reading an article a while back about the ways a narcissist make you think you're crazy and #3 was a dead ringer for him. He had convinced me over the years that I was overly sensitive. He also was so talented at getting people to believe him.
The article also nailed the fact my depression was worsened once married. He was also able to sell #5 to other people as well as myself. I have suffered from depression for many years but it was mild. I would be sad but never thought of self harm (except when we still lived with an abuser as a child). It got so bad a year into my marriage I had planned my suicide. I was going to hang myself off a bridge near by my house and was going to leave a note blaming it on him. Like that was my only way to get even and make him realize how bad it was.
Today, I still take medication for my depression and I have days where I'm too sad to do anything more than survive work and sit on my couch. Those days are fewer and far between. The lies were like being chained in a dungon and I've escaped to freedom. I'm free to chose my actions without having to consider how he'll react. I don't have to hide my true feelings.
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