Yesterday was a difficult day for me. Frankly the last few days have been difficult. As I mentioned in my previous post I thought I saw him. Then last night I saw my his (formerly our) neighbour who to be perfectly honest I despised and he reciprocated the sentiments. I know he knew who I was and I was across the street from my apartment. I panicked but at least I was on the phone with my older sister who suggested walking into a store instead of going home. I walked past my building before looking back to see if he was still in eye sight. Thankfully he was not and I walked into my building via the back alley just in case. Now to be fair, the former neighbour and my soon-to-be-ex husband are not BFF's but my fear is the neighbour will mention it to him should they meet in the hall.
I was already on edge before that even happened. I received a text from a friend of mine, just checking up on me. She wanted to talk to me that evening and I was dreading the call. I've missed the last 4 weeks of my church's community group (which her and her husband lead) and she wanted to know how I was doing. I had mentioned my reservations about returning to the group. It's a younger group, very few are dating let alone married and I feel like my divorce will make them uncomfortable or that I will be judged for "giving up" on my marriage.
I called her a few minutes after hanging up with my sister and was already feeling a bit teary. She in a round about way told me she felt I had used her or had lied to her about my reasoning behind moving. That she helped my move because she wanted me to be safe and ultimately reconcile with him, I had not decided what I wanted to do when I left him, I just knew I needed to get out while I still could. I explained this to her and she encouraged me to keep an open heart towards reconciliation. I explained that I have prayed about it and I have not felt God leading me back to him. I feel like God wants me to move on with my life, that he has something wonderful planned for me, something I can't even imagine. I cried on the phone and didn't say too much after that, which is a trademark move for me. I didn't want to fight with her but I am sick of being a push over and not speaking my mind and heart for fear of offending or hurting someone.
I agreed to return to community group. She offered to pick me up for tomorrow's group. I declined but knew this was her polite way of making sure I attended. She prayed with me and we hung up. I was bawling by this point. All I could think of was I wanted my Mum.
I called my Mum a few minutes later and she talked me away from the proverbial ledge. She consoled me and asked if I might consider joining a new church during my healing time. I can't leave my church, I love it too much. I also explained that I'm sick of running from my problems and from uncomfortable situations. Heck, I've lived in 3 different major cities since leaving my home province. When life got uncomfortable, I moved. I'm not running anymore, I'm setting up roots.
Conclusion, I will continue with my community group and not hide the fact I'm getting divorced. I will not make a big deal about it and explain that this decision was not taken lightly and took a long time to come to. I will not show up too early to cut down on socializing time thus cutting down the stressful times for me.
The cherry to this sundae, I have yet another bladder infection and was up half the night in pain. This is a semi-frequent occurrence brought on my stress and too much sugar.
To end on a more positive note I have been a bit more consistent with exercising in the mornings.
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