And the Building Comes Crawling Down

I took my dog for a walk yesterday morning, like I do every morning, the same route day in and day out; I am a creature of habit. This walk also includes a view of the building I lived in with him for nearly two years. I mentioned in a previous post that they had planned on tearing down the building from before the time we had moved in. This past winter I noticed that the building was vacant and being prepared to be torn down. For months I've been waiting for the building to finally come down. Well, that day arrived and on a day where my anxiety was high (-er than usual). I walked down the block and stood in front of the building. I immediately felt this peace and feeling of relief coming over me.
Tearing down building symbolizes an ending; him losing power over me. That building contained his place of power and control. That place protected him and failed to help me. He lost that place to abuse me and hide it behind closed doors.

I also got to thinking about the things in that apartment. He had written on the kitchen cupboards. He wrote gentlemen rules like a reminder for him to treat me better. Thing is, it wasn't a reminder for him to treat me better behind closed doors but rather a reminder for him to be able to reference them to others, to treat other women that way and appear to treat me that way when others were watching.

Fighting with the Ex

I finally received a response to my most recent email to him. We went back and forth for about an hour and he still refused to tell me specifically why he wants the business income statements. I finally closed my email because I felt myself getting too anxious. I know he can't actually physically hurt me anymore but I'm still afraid of him. I was afraid to answer the phone at work for the rest of the day, its the only way he could call me. 

After some discussion with my Mum I've figured out my plan. It's a fine line to walk with a narcissist. I can't let him think that I'm still weak enough to allow him to manipulate and control me but I also can't let on that I'm strong and unwilling to put up with him non-sense any longer. 

So I waited a week and sent him the paperwork last night. He's only response was "thanks. I'm taking to my lawyers and I'll let you know." I got so angry. I'm fairly certain he can't afford a lawyer and why bother when the business hasn't even made $1000 in the last two years. I sent it to my Mum and asked when is a good time to pull out my ace card ($700 in medical coverage that could be billed to him for August 2015 to June 2016) that he doesn't know about. I don't want to fight with him and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I'll pay the debt if he gives me my business. I want this dealt with so I can serve him with the divorce papers. 

My anxiety has flared back up so I'll end today's post here.

Slight Crush

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a slight crush on a vendor I deal with at work. He lives in Nanaimo and we've talked for 2 years now but never met. He grew up near my home town and he's got the prairie friendliness I miss so much. I figured that if I was meant to meet him that eventually I would (preferably after my divorce finalized). Well, that's not the case. He called this morning, which I secretly hope it's him each time my phone rings at work, and informed me he'll be stopping by on Wednesday. 

After I hung up I instantly thought about what I should wear, which outfit is cutest (and most slimming!). But then I sat back and thought about the fact that my divorce isn't finalized. That its not as though I could accept a date if he asked and perhaps this is a test. Am I really going to stay true to my word and not date until I'm no longer married? In my heart I know its the right thing to do. But I also have this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that I'm not getting any younger and the window of my child bearing years is coming to an end in the next handful of years. 

Let the Adventures Begin!

I sold my wedding ring this past Saturday. I thought I would have more of an emotional response than I did. I was cool as a cucumber and I was a bit shocked by this. I loved that ring (heck, I picked it out) but I didn't love what it represented. I didn't get exactly what I had hoped for but it will cover a portion of my divorce costs. 

I also received notification that stage one of my divorce has been filed and received stage two in the mail (which means I have to serve him the documents). I'm holding off on serving him until I send him the documents to sign over the business. In the event he doesn't agree to sign in I'll have the process server get a signature from him while he signs the divorce papers. The best part of this all, I found out they typically try to serve people while they're at work (less likely to make a scene or turn violent). Not that I want to embarrass him on purpose but he'll lose his mind when this happens. I am counting on an anger email shortly after it. Is it wrong that I'm a little excited about this? In a sick and twisted way? 

A few photos from hiking on the Island

This past Sunday I went on a camping trip with a friend of mine on Vancouver Island. I hadn't gone camping in nearly seven years. It was an adventure (which I really needed) and so beautiful. Thankfully I wasn't eaten by a cougar or bear. 

My dog was too tired to be social but wanted to ensure I hadn't left the campsite

I am really enjoying the freedom this new life is bringing me. It got me even more excited for my trip to Nashville later this fall. I no longer have someone controlling my time or money. 

Leave a comment if you'd like me to include photos with my blog posts.

Flash Back Friday

I had a flash back on Friday night. My male friend sent me a link to a song on Youtube, Sam Hunt's Take Your Time. I love the song but I hadn't watched the video before. It was about a guy watching a gal over time and her spouse ends up abusing her. 

I've talked about it before but why didn't people help me? Why didn't my neighbours call the police when they heard shouting and why didn't they call when they heard things breaking and doors being slammed? If you heard shouting and slamming doors would you call the police? Perhaps it's because people don't want to be involved. Thing is, you can request to remain anonymous when reporting it. Please, please call the police if you hear something that sounds like a domestic disturbance!

The other thing that came up was, and I'm not even sure how we got on the subject, was sex. He made some comment about it with his ex-wife and I asked he change the subject. He then said something to the effect I hope you aren't eluding to the fact he did something to you. I don't remember what I said but I manage to avoid giving an actual answer. I don't want to talk about the sexual abuse with anyone outside of you all and my counselor. I did what I had to survive but it doesn't mean I enjoyed it. I know I've come a long way over this past year and come to terms with the abuse I suffered in my marriage but I won't talk about the sexual abuse. I've moved past feeling like damaged goods. 

I Am So Blessed

I was asked my a friend "why are women so vindictive?" to which I responded that not all women are. I truly believe that one's reaction to stress will dictate how they respond to hurt and heart break. I myself am one who flees. I don't want to fight and I certainly don't want to be vindictive. Some people are fighters and want to come out swinging. Then there are those who freeze (like my Mum) and just stand there stunned and just take it. 

I could blast all over social media the horrible person that my ex is, but I don't see the point. I don't need the drama it would cause. I'd rather wash my hands of him and the hurt and move on with my life. I don't care if he bad-mouths me or sleeps with every woman that will have him. We've broken up and therefor I no longer get to have an opinion of his life's decisions. 

The more I talk with my male friend about his divorce the more I realize that I am so fortunate. I don't have to have a lawyer battle his lawyer (not that he has one anyway). I don't have to worry if I'll get my stuff back from him (I took it all when I left). I don't have guilt about taking everything I possibly could (I split everything equally). I don't worry about my friends telling my ex things about me now (none of them will speak to him if he tried). We didn't really own anything of value so I don't have to worry about that aspect either. All in all, I'm blessed to have separated the way I did. My ex may think it was conniving and cruel but it was the kindest thing I could do. Sure, he was left with living in a place he couldn't afford alone and therefor had to move but he got what was his and half of what was ours. I think what hurt him almost as much as my leaving was he couldn't have a temper tantrum about it in front of me. 

I don't understand why some people still want to know what their ex is doing. I mean, you are broken up and they don't need to know what you're doing. Why allow ex's to take up emotional real estate? I told my friend that "I could care less if my ex slept with half the woman in my city and got a venereal disease. It's not my place to judge or care what he does with his life as of last August". I think the time following a break up is best spent on moving on and healing (learning/reflecting) on the hurts and mistakes of the relationship. One should take time to work on themselves before anything else. My Mum always said that you should take a year to move on after the end of a serious relationship. My year is up but my marriage isn't so single I remain. 

I understand more now than ever why God calls us to save ourselves for marriage. Sex gets in the way and why awaken that part within yourself before then? Problem is, that's already awakened in me and I can't do too much about it. Maybe this is one of the many reason's God didn't plan for us to divorce. We once had sex on a fairly regular basis and suddenly, nothing. Granted, sex for me was not something I enjoyed in my marriage but I do remember enjoying it in previous relationships. People still have needs and desires. I'm curious how I'll handle sex when I get married again. Will it cause flash backs of previous events with my ex? Or will I be healed enough to not even think about it. I suspect that if I trust God to lead me to the man I am supposed to marry He'll heal those hurts in my life by the time I get to that point. 

I don't just miss the sex aspect of a relationship but that's closeness. Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Going for a walk and holding hands. Date nights and getting all dressed up for a man. I don't have too many fond memories like that from my marriage but I have them from previous relationships. I don't need a man to make me feel complete or beautiful because I already am by God. I just miss the physical closeness. I mean, it's not as though I wouldn't enjoy being loved and desired by a man. 

You thoughts? Leave me a comment.

My 31st Birthday

I celebrated my 31st birthday this past weekend. I didn't want to make a big deal of this birthday but it turned out pretty perfect actually. I woke up early (not intentionally) and went for a hike with my dog. I then met up with a gal pal of mine for brunch. 

As we ate we talked about the healing process we've both been on for the past year (her's very different than mine). Then we got to talking about dating again. She's been married for 6 years and obviously can't really help me with the dating scene. We can't understand dating these days, I mean what does "Netflix and Chill" really mean? It could range from actually watching Netflix to come over and have sex. I've never had a long term / committed relationship that didn't result in sex. Things will be different going forward. Something to look forward to in the coming months.

I have been struggling with my weight and over-eating. I've since lost my appetite for the most part. I think I was eating out of boredom and loneliness but now that I'm trying to be more social and connect with friends, it seems to be resolving itself. My concern is, is this because I'm talking to my male friend? Am I using him? I would say no because we've both been clear that we can only be friends at this time but I know that he's hoping it might turn into more when our divorces are finalized. I don't think things will go there though. He's 10 years older than me and I'm not really attracted to him in that way. Frankly, I shouldn't even be worrying about this as my heart isn't free. The thing is, he texts and calls me as often as a boyfriend would. I know I need to tell him to back off a bit. I remind him almost every other day that we're just friends and that's all we can be at this time in my life. He agrees but his action don't line up with it. I've seen "When Harry Met Sally" enough times to realize it's next to impossible for men and woman to be just friends especially when the man has (or has had) romantic feelings for the woman. 

I will say I have a slight crush on a guy that I deal with at work, even though he lives in a different city (just across the bay). He grew up 30 minutes from me, he's only 2 years older (as opposed to my (soon to be) ex-husband who was 6.5 years older) and we genuinely can chat for a long time without awkwardness. Its far fetched to think anything will come of it but it's kind of nice to feel this way; to feel something besides fear about a man. I obviously wouldn't act on these feelings until after my divorce finalizes and even then, I'll probably be to shy to do anything. Do I even remember how to flirt?!