Aspire

I've meant to talk (and if I have in the past, I apologize, my PTSD effects my memory) about an app Dr Phil's wife helped create called Aspire. It is designed to send out a help message to a designated person without having to call our text. I downloaded it and when you open the app initially it looks like an app to read different newspapers. I never completely filled out the info on the Aspire app because I didn't want to bother someone if he actually got to the point where he physically injured me. How stupid is that?! Let me bleed out or be strangled instead of putting you in a stressful and inconvenient situation to save me.

I haven't mentioned that I went on a trip to Tennessee earlier this month. This was my first real trip (aside from family vacations and the occasional weekend trip) and my first international flight. I went to TN because I love country music and wanted to visit the south. This is something I could never have done while I was married; there wouldn't have been the money to travel. Also, he wouldn't have wanted to lose control of me for a week and for me to spend time with someone else. I am free to make my own decisions and spend my money the way I want. The trip was life changing and I understand why people get addicted to travel. It was amazing to see a different part of the world and go on an adventure. 

My Divorce

I had to renew my emotional support animal letter recently. This morning I received the letter this morning as well as some information on my diagnoses. It's official, I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I got a little teary eyed when I read it. I've know that I've had it for over a year but a rush of emotional washed over me. I felt validated now that someone has confirmed the diagnoses. 

When I the letter last year I felt like I might have been faking or exaggerating my anxiety. In reality, I do need Conway. Just last night, as I tied to fall asleep I had a flash back to having to go to bed at the same time as he did. I also remembered how he would rip the blankets off me when I would try to fall asleep. I began to cry (partially because I was just over tired) because it still effects me. 

I've hired a process server to serve him the divorce papers at work ideally. I had a false sense of hope that he would just sign it. The process server called me yesterday to report that he apparently only goes into the office once a month and otherwise works from home. I.call.bull. I had provided both his work and home address so now he'll be served at home. It got to me but my anxiety didn't spike which was a vast improvement. I felt anxious but I just reminded myself that it doesn't matter if he signs or not (based on the type of divorce I've filed), I only need to prove I tried to get his signature. I also vented to my older sister which helps. I suspect my divorce will finalize around the new year. 

Questioning Motives

Have I mentioned that I lift weights on a regular basis? If not, I lift 5-6 mornings a week. I've noticed my strength (and weight) have increased and it's help my confidence. 

Monday was a leg day. If you lift or ask anyone one who lift, the least favourite day in the week is leg day. I felt fine afterwards and worked my other job that evening which meant that I skipped my evening yoga session. Tuesday I was tired from the working late but I was otherwise fine. Tuesday afternoon I was walking in my building and up the stairs to my apartment and I suddenly felt pain in my right knee. I wrote it off as tweeking it and favoured my left knee. Today it's still hurting but only doing stairs or bending over. 

While chatting with my male friend (who is a trained first responder) and mentioned my knee. After asking a few questions he told me he thought it was a tendon. He suggested I ice it and or take some Advil. After saying I wouldn't take any drugs because I don't believe in that unless I'm in agony. I tired to blow off icing but finally agreed to ice it. 

As I sit here with ice on my knee I got to thinking "is this the beginning of the control/ grooming process"? Sounds crazy, right? He is a medic and wanted me to take care of an injury and I worry that he's showing control issues. 

I know I have issues with men, specifically trusting (or lack there of). He's never given me a reason not to trust him. A reason to be pissed off at him yes but never a reason to think he's dishonest. He's challenging but not in a confrontational. I know I need to learn to trust men and slowly I think I am but it won't happen over night.

Have You Ever Had An Audience?

Have you ever peed in front of someone? I'm not talking about when you were a child. Guys, not standing at the urinal or ladies, aside from sharing a bathroom stall when there's a long line up in the ladies bathroom at a bar, have you peed in front of someone?  I haven't. But it's not as though he didn't want me to. He wanted to pee in front of me and tried to make it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think he had a fetish or anything but looking back it was another way to control me. 

If I stopped closing the door while I peed he would have even more access to me. Towards the end I would keep my cell phone on me at all times. I would use the time in the bathroom to reply to texts and what not. I suspect he knew that I would do this but didn't know the end was near. 

I finally received the document back with his signature last night. I couldn't believe it; I thought that I would have to start looking for a lawyer. I was at my part time job and literally fist pumped in front of a few co-workers. Such a sense of relief, Matthew 11:28 came to mind. I had been praying and trust God for months regarding this. This was his last control over me. At this point the only thing left is him signing the divorce papers. He can refuse if he wants but he would also have to file papers with the court house protesting the divorce because I've filed for a sole divorce. Praise the Lord!

I also paid to refile my divorce papers with a change of address to a girlfriend of mine so that he wouldn't get to see my home address when he gets served the papers to sign. This means my divorce will be delayed but it also means I can continue to feel safe in my neighbourhood and not worry as much that he's stalking me. 

And the Building Comes Crawling Down

I took my dog for a walk yesterday morning, like I do every morning, the same route day in and day out; I am a creature of habit. This walk also includes a view of the building I lived in with him for nearly two years. I mentioned in a previous post that they had planned on tearing down the building from before the time we had moved in. This past winter I noticed that the building was vacant and being prepared to be torn down. For months I've been waiting for the building to finally come down. Well, that day arrived and on a day where my anxiety was high (-er than usual). I walked down the block and stood in front of the building. I immediately felt this peace and feeling of relief coming over me.
Tearing down building symbolizes an ending; him losing power over me. That building contained his place of power and control. That place protected him and failed to help me. He lost that place to abuse me and hide it behind closed doors.

I also got to thinking about the things in that apartment. He had written on the kitchen cupboards. He wrote gentlemen rules like a reminder for him to treat me better. Thing is, it wasn't a reminder for him to treat me better behind closed doors but rather a reminder for him to be able to reference them to others, to treat other women that way and appear to treat me that way when others were watching.

Fighting with the Ex

I finally received a response to my most recent email to him. We went back and forth for about an hour and he still refused to tell me specifically why he wants the business income statements. I finally closed my email because I felt myself getting too anxious. I know he can't actually physically hurt me anymore but I'm still afraid of him. I was afraid to answer the phone at work for the rest of the day, its the only way he could call me. 

After some discussion with my Mum I've figured out my plan. It's a fine line to walk with a narcissist. I can't let him think that I'm still weak enough to allow him to manipulate and control me but I also can't let on that I'm strong and unwilling to put up with him non-sense any longer. 

So I waited a week and sent him the paperwork last night. He's only response was "thanks. I'm taking to my lawyers and I'll let you know." I got so angry. I'm fairly certain he can't afford a lawyer and why bother when the business hasn't even made $1000 in the last two years. I sent it to my Mum and asked when is a good time to pull out my ace card ($700 in medical coverage that could be billed to him for August 2015 to June 2016) that he doesn't know about. I don't want to fight with him and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I'll pay the debt if he gives me my business. I want this dealt with so I can serve him with the divorce papers. 

My anxiety has flared back up so I'll end today's post here.

Slight Crush

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a slight crush on a vendor I deal with at work. He lives in Nanaimo and we've talked for 2 years now but never met. He grew up near my home town and he's got the prairie friendliness I miss so much. I figured that if I was meant to meet him that eventually I would (preferably after my divorce finalized). Well, that's not the case. He called this morning, which I secretly hope it's him each time my phone rings at work, and informed me he'll be stopping by on Wednesday. 

After I hung up I instantly thought about what I should wear, which outfit is cutest (and most slimming!). But then I sat back and thought about the fact that my divorce isn't finalized. That its not as though I could accept a date if he asked and perhaps this is a test. Am I really going to stay true to my word and not date until I'm no longer married? In my heart I know its the right thing to do. But I also have this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that I'm not getting any younger and the window of my child bearing years is coming to an end in the next handful of years. 

Let the Adventures Begin!

I sold my wedding ring this past Saturday. I thought I would have more of an emotional response than I did. I was cool as a cucumber and I was a bit shocked by this. I loved that ring (heck, I picked it out) but I didn't love what it represented. I didn't get exactly what I had hoped for but it will cover a portion of my divorce costs. 

I also received notification that stage one of my divorce has been filed and received stage two in the mail (which means I have to serve him the documents). I'm holding off on serving him until I send him the documents to sign over the business. In the event he doesn't agree to sign in I'll have the process server get a signature from him while he signs the divorce papers. The best part of this all, I found out they typically try to serve people while they're at work (less likely to make a scene or turn violent). Not that I want to embarrass him on purpose but he'll lose his mind when this happens. I am counting on an anger email shortly after it. Is it wrong that I'm a little excited about this? In a sick and twisted way? 

A few photos from hiking on the Island

This past Sunday I went on a camping trip with a friend of mine on Vancouver Island. I hadn't gone camping in nearly seven years. It was an adventure (which I really needed) and so beautiful. Thankfully I wasn't eaten by a cougar or bear. 

My dog was too tired to be social but wanted to ensure I hadn't left the campsite

I am really enjoying the freedom this new life is bringing me. It got me even more excited for my trip to Nashville later this fall. I no longer have someone controlling my time or money. 

Leave a comment if you'd like me to include photos with my blog posts.

Flash Back Friday

I had a flash back on Friday night. My male friend sent me a link to a song on Youtube, Sam Hunt's Take Your Time. I love the song but I hadn't watched the video before. It was about a guy watching a gal over time and her spouse ends up abusing her. 

I've talked about it before but why didn't people help me? Why didn't my neighbours call the police when they heard shouting and why didn't they call when they heard things breaking and doors being slammed? If you heard shouting and slamming doors would you call the police? Perhaps it's because people don't want to be involved. Thing is, you can request to remain anonymous when reporting it. Please, please call the police if you hear something that sounds like a domestic disturbance!

The other thing that came up was, and I'm not even sure how we got on the subject, was sex. He made some comment about it with his ex-wife and I asked he change the subject. He then said something to the effect I hope you aren't eluding to the fact he did something to you. I don't remember what I said but I manage to avoid giving an actual answer. I don't want to talk about the sexual abuse with anyone outside of you all and my counselor. I did what I had to survive but it doesn't mean I enjoyed it. I know I've come a long way over this past year and come to terms with the abuse I suffered in my marriage but I won't talk about the sexual abuse. I've moved past feeling like damaged goods. 

I Am So Blessed

I was asked my a friend "why are women so vindictive?" to which I responded that not all women are. I truly believe that one's reaction to stress will dictate how they respond to hurt and heart break. I myself am one who flees. I don't want to fight and I certainly don't want to be vindictive. Some people are fighters and want to come out swinging. Then there are those who freeze (like my Mum) and just stand there stunned and just take it. 

I could blast all over social media the horrible person that my ex is, but I don't see the point. I don't need the drama it would cause. I'd rather wash my hands of him and the hurt and move on with my life. I don't care if he bad-mouths me or sleeps with every woman that will have him. We've broken up and therefor I no longer get to have an opinion of his life's decisions. 

The more I talk with my male friend about his divorce the more I realize that I am so fortunate. I don't have to have a lawyer battle his lawyer (not that he has one anyway). I don't have to worry if I'll get my stuff back from him (I took it all when I left). I don't have guilt about taking everything I possibly could (I split everything equally). I don't worry about my friends telling my ex things about me now (none of them will speak to him if he tried). We didn't really own anything of value so I don't have to worry about that aspect either. All in all, I'm blessed to have separated the way I did. My ex may think it was conniving and cruel but it was the kindest thing I could do. Sure, he was left with living in a place he couldn't afford alone and therefor had to move but he got what was his and half of what was ours. I think what hurt him almost as much as my leaving was he couldn't have a temper tantrum about it in front of me. 

I don't understand why some people still want to know what their ex is doing. I mean, you are broken up and they don't need to know what you're doing. Why allow ex's to take up emotional real estate? I told my friend that "I could care less if my ex slept with half the woman in my city and got a venereal disease. It's not my place to judge or care what he does with his life as of last August". I think the time following a break up is best spent on moving on and healing (learning/reflecting) on the hurts and mistakes of the relationship. One should take time to work on themselves before anything else. My Mum always said that you should take a year to move on after the end of a serious relationship. My year is up but my marriage isn't so single I remain. 

I understand more now than ever why God calls us to save ourselves for marriage. Sex gets in the way and why awaken that part within yourself before then? Problem is, that's already awakened in me and I can't do too much about it. Maybe this is one of the many reason's God didn't plan for us to divorce. We once had sex on a fairly regular basis and suddenly, nothing. Granted, sex for me was not something I enjoyed in my marriage but I do remember enjoying it in previous relationships. People still have needs and desires. I'm curious how I'll handle sex when I get married again. Will it cause flash backs of previous events with my ex? Or will I be healed enough to not even think about it. I suspect that if I trust God to lead me to the man I am supposed to marry He'll heal those hurts in my life by the time I get to that point. 

I don't just miss the sex aspect of a relationship but that's closeness. Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Going for a walk and holding hands. Date nights and getting all dressed up for a man. I don't have too many fond memories like that from my marriage but I have them from previous relationships. I don't need a man to make me feel complete or beautiful because I already am by God. I just miss the physical closeness. I mean, it's not as though I wouldn't enjoy being loved and desired by a man. 

You thoughts? Leave me a comment.

My 31st Birthday

I celebrated my 31st birthday this past weekend. I didn't want to make a big deal of this birthday but it turned out pretty perfect actually. I woke up early (not intentionally) and went for a hike with my dog. I then met up with a gal pal of mine for brunch. 

As we ate we talked about the healing process we've both been on for the past year (her's very different than mine). Then we got to talking about dating again. She's been married for 6 years and obviously can't really help me with the dating scene. We can't understand dating these days, I mean what does "Netflix and Chill" really mean? It could range from actually watching Netflix to come over and have sex. I've never had a long term / committed relationship that didn't result in sex. Things will be different going forward. Something to look forward to in the coming months.

I have been struggling with my weight and over-eating. I've since lost my appetite for the most part. I think I was eating out of boredom and loneliness but now that I'm trying to be more social and connect with friends, it seems to be resolving itself. My concern is, is this because I'm talking to my male friend? Am I using him? I would say no because we've both been clear that we can only be friends at this time but I know that he's hoping it might turn into more when our divorces are finalized. I don't think things will go there though. He's 10 years older than me and I'm not really attracted to him in that way. Frankly, I shouldn't even be worrying about this as my heart isn't free. The thing is, he texts and calls me as often as a boyfriend would. I know I need to tell him to back off a bit. I remind him almost every other day that we're just friends and that's all we can be at this time in my life. He agrees but his action don't line up with it. I've seen "When Harry Met Sally" enough times to realize it's next to impossible for men and woman to be just friends especially when the man has (or has had) romantic feelings for the woman. 

I will say I have a slight crush on a guy that I deal with at work, even though he lives in a different city (just across the bay). He grew up 30 minutes from me, he's only 2 years older (as opposed to my (soon to be) ex-husband who was 6.5 years older) and we genuinely can chat for a long time without awkwardness. Its far fetched to think anything will come of it but it's kind of nice to feel this way; to feel something besides fear about a man. I obviously wouldn't act on these feelings until after my divorce finalizes and even then, I'll probably be to shy to do anything. Do I even remember how to flirt?! 

So I Saw My Dad Again....

Last month I saw my Dad for the first time in nearly 10 years. I was anxious about attending the memorial because of my father. I was excited to see cousins and my two uncles (not as excited about the third). I didn't know who else would be attending but I knew my Dad would be there probably with his wife. 

The reason I haven't seen (or spoken to) my Dad in all these years is that he was a negative relationship. I think the reason he was more distant with me (compared to my sister) was because I am so much like my mother. We look alike, have the same mannerisms and we think alike. He never really got over my mother leaving, mainly because he too is a narcissist. His job made him anger, bitter and a racist. I however chose (and still do) to see the good in the world; to believe people are inherently good. He didn't like that he couldn't control me, couldn't change me into who he thought I should be. For years after I felt like I had to hide from him, like in some way I was still a littler girl hiding from a spanking. I've since realized that I'm an adult and there is little he can do to hurt me. Sure, he could try and say hurtful things or pass judgement on my but I've moved past looking for his approval. I've realized that my father wound can only really be healed and the hole filled by God's love because He is the one true father in my life. 

As my sister and I pulled up to the cemetery, I felt my a pit in my stomach; I was nervous about what may be said. We got out of the car as people were standing around waiting for the priest to show up. My Great-Aunt hugged me as did my Aunt B. I had gone in this situation with an open mind, willing to hug my Dad and make polite conversation about the weather and what not. What I got was nothing like that. I got a hello, from a distance. He barely said a word to my sister and I all afternoon. It was awkward; there was a clear divide and the air was frosty. 

As we stood there as the priest blessed the grave-site, I realized he wasn't this big man I remembered. Granted, he did lose some muscle mass in the last decade, he wasn't a big scary man anymore. In fact, I kept looking down at his feet and thinking how small they were. I was shocked at how old he looked. He had most white hair, liver spots all over the sides of face and his face look like leather (think Dog the Bounty Hunter). His oldest brother looked at least 10 years younger. 

I knew that there was only one thing my Dad could talk about that would upset me, my failed marriage. That wound can still be raw at times. Other than that, I felt strong enough to either defend myself or walk away. What else could he say, really? I work for a non-profit and help those with disabilities, I support myself, I'm not an alcoholic, drug addict and I care about others. He didn't ask me about it my my Great Aunt did. I tried to change the subject subtly but she didn't get it. What disappointed me but didn't surprise me was that my Dad lied about caring for the grave-site and making an annual trip for the last 20 years to the site. 

As we left the cemetery plans had been made to meet up for lunch. Those siding with my Dad left together. Those who sided with my sister and I took a different route. We had planned to stop by the old farm and school house on our way there. I rode with my Uncle D, we had been talking every few weeks on FaceTime and I was excited to see him in person. 

This divide in the group meant I missed out on time with my Great Aunt and I missed out on the time with my cousin and one of my Uncles. Granted, Uncle B is apparently besties with my Dad and I wouldn't trust him enough to talk about my life. 

As we sat down for lunch, there was clear strategy. My Dad had sat in the middle of the table. My Aunt asked my Uncle T to sit at the opposite side of the long table so she could sit with my sister, my cousin and I. I sat next to my Great Aunt knowing she would be my shield from my Dad. We stayed there for a few hours, eating and talking. Afterwards there was some mumblings about what to do afterwards. My sister and I had planned to be flexible, brought a change of clothes in case we wanted to spend more time with them or could leave at anytime. We heard mention of supper at my Dad's house. Shortly after my Dad got up from the table and my Uncle B said to my sister and I that he would like us to fix things with our Dad. We both explained that we have tried. An after thought was, why assume it's our problem to fix. He invited us to our Dad's place(even though our Dad certainly didn't). We declined and headed outside. We were standing talking with our Aunt B and Uncle T (who were not invited by my Dad but rather by Uncle B) who had declined supper as they wanted to visit with my sister and I. Uncle D had decided to go to supper and planned to visit with me a few days later when he would be back in town. 

The most awkward moment of all way my Dad coming up to my sister and I and asked if we wanted to visit the hospital in town (as that's where we were both born). We both declined and he walked away and got in his truck. Neither of us could figure out why the heck he had said this. A friend later pointed out that he could have been shocked that we both attended as we were not on the invite list but rather I was invited my Uncle D and I asked my sister to tag along. Only my Uncle D and T knew I was attending and only my Uncle D knew my sister was tagging along.

We had a great visit with my Uncle and Aunt. We both told them what happened between us and our Dad and all about our lives. My Aunt asked about my marriage and I began to tear up. I asked my sister to explain, I couldn't without bawling. I also never know how much to share, what's too much and what is too vague. She asked if he ever hit me. I just stared at her and she knew the answer. 

I've realized how important family is. I shut mine out for so long. I thought I was doing the smart thing, the right thing. I want to know them and I want them to know me. I wish I had known my Uncle T and Aunt B were looking for me. I wish I had the courage to reach out to them when I lived near them. I wish I could have run to my Uncle T when he was abusing me. I wish that he could have put the fear of God into him and get him to stop treating me like he did.

I know that my life has played out the way it has because it's God's plan and wishing this or that would have happened would mean I wouldn't be where I am now and I'm pretty happy with it.

Memories

As I've mentioned before, I have PTSD which has caused my memory to be shotty at best. It's been interesting catching up with my friend the last few days. He asks if I remember this or that and I don't. It's crazy how the mind works isn't it? I think my mind is protecting me and has a wall up for anything that happened a year a go or longer. Occasionally opening the door to a memory or two. 

In the last month I've had few memories come back to me. The first was what he told me after we were married and I was shocked by it at the time but now I've realized that he already so much control over my life that I wasn't even appalled or upset. When he was younger and while he was living in the town he grew up in he and some of his friends stole a mentally challenged boy's bicycle and buried it in cement. He thought it was funny and told me it while giggling to himself. 

The second memory that came back to me was that he had told me that he's friends took turns sexually assault an aboriginal teenager at a party. After they were done with her the dumped her in a ditch. He told me he didn't participate but when I think about it, he probably did. I know that I really can't trust anything he said to me and shouldn't believe anything he told me.

As I look back on my marriage, I wonder if he had affairs with other women. I didn't get tested after my marriage but I'll be asking to be during my next physical. It's scary to think what he could have exposed me to. 

Yesterday was a big day. I finally filed my divorce papers. I would have sooner but their was an error and I had to wait for it to be corrected. It will be months before it's all processed but it feels great knowing that the end of that chapter in my life is coming. I just hope that he doesn't try and make things difficult. I hope to avoid lawyers and a battle. even to the point I'm willing to accept paying off all the debt myself. If he decides to fight me then I have enough courage and strength to come out guns blazing so to speak. I am hoping to remain the bigger person; to stay classy San Diego (Ron Burgundy reference for you). 

I see that I have some regular readers and I'd like to say thanks for making time in your life. I didn't start this blog with the intentions of getting thousands of followers; it was a step in my long healing process. I also hoped that it might help someone else in a similar situation. 

God Bless!

Guilt

As I've mentioned in previous posts, he was great a making me feel guilty. I figured this would go away once I left. I knew it wouldn't be right away but over time. Well, it's been over a year now and it's come back.

Months into my marriage, one fight resulted in him suggesting I was flirting with a Facebook friend (a man) and while I professed I wasn't, he wouldn't back down. I decided to delete all male friends except family. I now suspect this was just his guilty conscience peek through. 

Since I left, I've started to connect with family and build up the support system (network) I so desperately needed previously. This has also resulted in adding some of my male friends back. One in particular found me earlier this week and added me. When I had left him, I changed my last name on Facebook to my middle name since changing it back to my maiden name would result in an influx of questions I wasn't prepared to answer. A week or two ago I finally changed it back to my maiden name. I find it interesting that this friend added me once he knew I was single.

We've been chatting back in forth and it turns out he got married a month after I did and is too in the process of divorce. He didn't add me until he knew I was single out of respect to my marriage. I instantly felt guilty for talking to a man again, this would be only the second time since I left (minus work and my church community group). I've struggled to talk to men and frankly saw no point as I'm still married and am not looking to date in the foreseeable future. 

He actually is in a similar situation. His wife was emotionally abusive and he's going through counseling and trying to get his life back together. We've both been very clear that there isn't anything else going on except friendship. Thing is, I question myself. Am I leading him on? Am I messing with someone's potential spouse? Am I cheating on my spouse? Stupid, I know. This is that guilt peeking it's ugly head out. 

It's interesting when different people tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. It hits me differently. I remember my step-father saying to my Mum, "I can't understand how anyone could get angry with her or her dog". I teared up. It's very different to hear a man tell me I didn't deserve it vs. a woman. Neither is better than the other, just different. My counselor also told me something similar (she was crying after I told her of one incident just days before I left) and I cried. It doesn't get old to hear it. It's not as though I believe I deserved it, not deep down at least. But each time I hear it, I'm strengthened. I'm realizing that I am not damaged or broken. That I deserve a man who will treat me like a princess; that will open the door for me, bring me flowers for no special reason and that will love me as I am (past and all). 

I worry that this man isn't out there or that he won't be in the "packaging" I'd like. But then I turn back to my faith and realize that I'm not in control and that God has had a plan for my life up until now so He has one for the rest of my life. That He has a man lined up for me but of course, it's on His time and not mine. I can't force it like I did this marriage. As much as I hope that I meet someone now and build a friendship that could later lead to a romantic one. It sounds great on paper but then again, I'm not ready to trust a new man. 

This current friend on my that I'm talking to is older than I am, in a different province and has seen me in some less than favorable times in my life. I don't think I would feel as comfortable talking to him in person but it's nice to have someone to talk to about working through the emotional baggage. As I type this, I am still questioning myself and worried what you all might think of this. Yet another time in my life I need to stop worrying about what the world thinks of me and focus on what God thinks of me. 

One Year!

Today marks one year since I left him (though if you look at days of the week it would have been this past Sunday). I've been reflecting on this the past few days, my shortcomings and my successes. 

Some successes include finding myself again, mind you I'm not totally myself but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I've been in years. I haven't had a panic attack in months and my anxiety is at a new low. I'm not confident I would hold it completely together if I ran into him tomorrow but I wouldn't run away from him as fast as my legs would allow. 

I've also realized that it's time for me to get back out there as far as friends. I need to make some new friends and connect with those I have pulled away from. I'm not saying I'm going back to the party animal I was but I'd like to have an outing or two a week. I want to go camping, explorer BC and travel. 

Shortcomings include delaying my paperwork as far as my divorce. Long story short, his last name prior to our marriage is wrong. The other shortcoming is I wanted to be closer to debt freedom but I've managed to accumulate more debt. I'm a bit disappointed but I also am not making what I should have been. 

The other thing I've been thinking about is that I'm lonely and I'd like to find someone. This also scared the heck out of me. The idea of dating once again is frightening. This city is so transient and people seem very unapproachable. Truth be told, the best place for me to start looking (when I'm actually ready) is my church. It's huge and has a younger population. Downside is a lot of christian my age are already married. I'm not apposed to dating someone a year or two younger but I don't want to feel like a cougar. 

I mentioned this to my Mum who pointed out the reason I may feel lonely is because it's not as though I was happy in my marriage. I was lonely in my marriage for years. I felt unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. I now know that this wasn't my fault; that it was part of his abuse.

I also think that this loneliness can only really be filled by Jesus. I've lagged on keeping up with my bible reading. I haven't been to church in a while now (partly because I was away and partly because I don't like the summer pastor). 

Another success would be re-connecting with extended family. I've managed to have a relationship with one paternal uncle and am working towards the same with another. I've also connected with an aunt (my paternal grandmothers youngest sister). I want these bounds to strengthen. I want to have this support network going forward and especially when I start dating again. I want the man I chose to date to go through the wringer with my the men in my life. 

I have big plans for the next year of my life (travel, finalizing my divorce and living the life I've dreamed about for the years I was married to him). I can also say that I've managed to lower my depression medication and I think it's time to lower it once again. Fingers crossed I can get to the lowest dose possible if not off it completely. 

Updates

T-minus 48 hours until I arrive in the prairies to visit my family. The crunch is on to get all the things done on my to-do list both at work and at home. 

I had my final appointment with my counselor a few weeks ago. She asked I review all that I've learned. It really made me look back (not that it was the first time I did that since leaving) and I can't believe how far I've come. I'm not exactly the person I was before I met him but I'm pretty close. I'm still scare by the thought of dating again but I feel like that fear will leave when I'm ready to get back out there. 

Another exciting thing that has happened in the last few weeks was I FILED FOR DIVORCE! Things are totally sorted out with him but I feel like as long as I trust God and pray for His guidance that it will work out. I also finally bought myself a ring to wear on my left hand. I kept feeling like I forgot something when I would leave the house without a ring on that hand. I finally decided to buy myself a claddagh ring to wear on my middle finger and the feeling went away. Did that happen to any of you out there that are now divorced? Leave me a comment below.

He Still Gets To Me

I hold a business license, I know I've never mentioned this but I didn't want this blog to be about that. This business was started before I met him and he was added once we got married. Now I need to get his name off it. I had big hopes that he would just be tired of me and would just sign it over to get me out of his life. How wrong I was. He still wants to hurt and control me. He refused to sign the document removing his name and instructed me I would have to cancel it and get a new license. How he underestimates my new found strength. 

It was surprising how easily he can stress me out. I haven't spoken to him (phone or in person) since the morning I dropped him off and them moved out. And yet, the minute I hit send on my email I was shaking. My anxiety level shored and I worried he would try and call me or worse show up at my work. I talked to my Mum on my lunch break and she said she would call him mom and plea with her to convince him to sign so that this divorce (unlike their own) could avoid being messy and drawn out. 

Later that day my Mum called me and said that his mom was receptive and polite and agreed to talk to him. Later on that evening I received another email from him telling me to tell my Mum never to contact his family. I didn't respond. I felt myself looking over my shoulder this week fearing he might start stalking me. 

My weight hit an all time high (since losing a 40 LBS after giving up gluten). I immediately started the self-hate talk. As soon as I realized what I was doing I shut myself up. I know that my weight is partially my fault and partially my adrenal fatigue. I eat when I'm bored and I eat when I'm stressed. I know I need to get off the dieting merry-go-round and just eat less and not worry about "clean food" vs "dirty food". I also need to remind myself that he doesn't live with me, he won't throw out my food, I won't go hungry and he won't judge me for the food choices I make. 

Dieting and Hiking

I realized the other day that I haven't blogged in a long time. I've been trying to read my bible more and exercise and lose weight. I've gained 13 pounds since leaving him and I want it gone. The issue is, I'm a binge eater. It's a horrible cycle to live in. Restrict - Binge - Guilt - Purge. I don't purge but it's a self hate cycle. I've been trying to figure out how to stop it. I need to love myself more and stop worrying about what other people think of me or how they see me. 

I think that IIFYM (if it fits your macros) might be a better approach that a super structured plan. If I tell myself that I can't have cookies or chocolate or whatever "unclean" foods, I can only hold out for so long before I binge.

I struggle (big time) with perfectionism and worrying about what others think. I feel like need to have it all together. Look fit, be happy, be smart... it' exhausting. It makes me enjoy my life even less. I don't want my body (my health) to even prevent me from doing something. But currently it is, my adrenal fatigue messing up my cortisol levels which is contributing to my weight gain and cravings. I will say that my sleep has improved though which is a great start to my healing. Also, I can jog again. I jog for 30 seconds and walk for 30 seconds but can only let myself jog for 15 minutes to ensure I don't spike my stress levels. It's great for my mental health too. 

I went for a hike today to break in my new hiking boots (more on them later) and I spent some of it in prayer. Asking God to help me. I then heard Him say that I need to love myself because He loves me so much. 

I boot hiking boots because I decided to plan a four day hiking trip with my older sister for next spring. Since we both have already bought them we decided to plan a day hike for my visit next month. My sister has really been trying to get in shape and is excited to use training for this hike as an opportunity to do that. She's been going out on the days that her husband is off work.

This week brought an incredible blessing. I questioned why I went through years of abuse and what good would come of it. It was to help someone else through it. I'm a member of a Christian separation and divorce support group on Facebook. This young woman (only 21) had posted looking for help and support regarding her controlling and mentally abusive husband. She finally decided to leave him and she was waiting for her friend and friends husband to drive from a her home state to pick her up (3-4 hours away). Her husband was asleep and she was freaking out on the inside. I added her on Facebook so I could chat with her while she waited. While I chatted with her trying to keep her mind off of the waiting and also making sure she had the important things ready to go. She told me she had lost her mom last August and I could feel the whole in her heart that the loss left. I thought back to what it was like for me at that time and how grateful I am that my Mum was there for me. That she no only was there to listen but she also knew what I was going through. She was able to help me plan and prepare. At that moment, talking with the woman, it made sense. I could be that person for her, that person for others. 

Addict

Have I ever mentioned that he was a drug addict? Or so he says at least. He told me he was a cocaine addict in college but his mom found out and dragged him to rehab and he wasn't able to leave. The second half is crap, I know. Involuntary commitment is only for 72 hours or if deemed a danger to yourself or others. He relapsed the fall before moving to the coast. He failed to tell me for 6 months. If he was using while we were married, I didn't notice and I don't mean behaviour but in the bank account. 

He told me he was a recovering addict within a month of dating. Being that I have my own demons (alcohol), who was I to judge him? I still can't really judge him for it. But it should have caused me to really inspect him under a microscope. Had he really dealt with the underling causes of the addiction (anger, depression or whatever it might be)? Had he found a support system to help prevent relapses? Had he found something productive and safety to fill his time with? The answer, NOPE!

His addiction once we met was me. How to work himself into my heart enough to get control. Looking back, it started on our third date. I was saying goodnight after watching movies at his place and we kissed. This kiss wasn't the quick peck I was expecting. It resulted in him having me up against the wall and pressing his penis into my grown (fully clothed). At this time I had decided not to have sex again until I was married. This didn't last and we had sex within a month of meeting. I instantly regretted it and wanted to stop but he wouldn't let that happen. He already had that much control over me. He had figured out that I didn't want to be single and so he already had a grip over me.

Don't get me wrong, I liked sex as much as the next person. It wasn't like he was holding me down, he never did. But he knew how to push my (sexual) buttons and I let him. I managed to fend him off for a month before the wedding night so it could feel special. 

The Truth Is...

My most recent homework was to reflect on why I was so blind at the beginning of the relationship. It's so easy to say it was because he was a master manipulator and used his very special skills on me. While this is true it isn't the whole truth. 

The remainder of the truth is that I so desperately wanted to be loved. I wanted to be desired and spoiled with attention. I thought all the calls and texts were just a normal part of the beginning stages of a relationship. I remember the same feeling with previous relationships but this time it was different. He bought be gifts and showed up at my part-time job to give them to me. He was looking for an excuse to check up on me. 

He was older and I wanted to finally date a grown up. I didn't want to date a man that lived with his mother or played video games. He owned his own home and he had a grown up job. This was going to be a grown up relationship, one filled with common goals and plans for the future. Little did I know that this was not true. 

I wanted so badly to be married and he was at that point in his life he was looking to settle down. I wanted to join the married people club and feel as though I fit in because I rarely felt that way growing up. Even still I struggle with that feeling. I've since learn to enjoy spending time with myself. I don't always love being alone but I enjoy my own company. I have no issue taking myself out to dinner and a movie, shopping alone and I actually prefer to sit alone at church (I'm easily detracted and because I still feel new as far as my faith I feel like I need to pay extra attention). 

I had a memory come back and it makes me question his honesty yet again. There was a dent in the wall on his stairs with a chunk of drywall missing. I don't remember asking what it was from (though maybe I did thinking it was from moving in and he just never had it repaired) but he said it was from his ex-girlfriend falling down the stairs with a can of hairspray. Now the bathroom was at the top of the stairs but there is enough of a landing that it wouldn't make sense for her to fall town the stairs. Now I question if she fell or if she was pushed. He said they had been broken up for nearly a year and considering how prideful he was of his home I wonder if they had broken up much later than he let on. 

He also would speak so negatively about his ex-girlfriends. I will say that they call it a breakup because its broken but is it normal to speak only the negative in a current relationship? I can remember speaking about my ex-boyfriend Tim (the great one) to the boyfriend after, Matt, and said that it was the best breakup in history but I don't remember saying anything past that. 

Speaking of that boyfriend, he visited me in a dream on Sunday night. I don't remember much about the dream but this isn't the first time I've dreamed about him in fact I've had a few in the last year. He had no direction in his life and he had no desire to change that but he had a kind heart. We certainly had our problems and we had our fights but I wouldn't say he's a bad person or I regret dating him. 

Sunday Funday

Today is Sunday and I got to thinking about how much I used to love Sundays. It was the start of his work week. I slept in peacefully and spent the day doing things that made me happy. At least until I had to make sure the house was clean and supper was made.

I usually went to church and stopped for sushi on my way home. I'd then stop at the store and grab some junk food and make sure all evidence was disposed of prior to his return. I think this is where my binge eating issues began. 

I looked forward to Sundays and getting back to work on Mondays because at least I was "safe" from him at least in a physical sense. I will still be berated by text messages and phone calls. I never really paid much attention to the frequency until the end. And yet others have since commented on it. I finally got up the courage and informed him I would not longer answer the phone on Sundays and that he could text me in the event of an emergency. This lead to an increase of the accusation that I was cheating; that I spent the day having sex with some guy or girl. 

I think over the years I have developed this pattern or mentality. Hurry up and tidy up. Everything must be clean and put away in order for me to relax. Case in point this last week. I was working my extra job two late nights in a row. Because of this I decided not to put my bed away (I live in a bachelorette apartment with a trundle bed). This means that my apartment becomes crowded because I need to move around a few things to accommodate the bed. It was messing looking because of this which cause my anxiety levels to rise while at home. 

I am constantly tidying and putting things away. I hate dirty dishes in the sink and I try and keep things put away. I justify this to myself that this is because my apartment is so small and so it can easily look messy. But I think we all know that this is a compulsive behaviour that stems from years of abuse.

I was out for a long walk the other day with my dog and walked past the old apartment building. It was a 1914 house that was converted into apartments but had been scheduled to be torn down and replaced with a high rise condo building but we were never sure when the demolition would start. We knew that we had to be given two months notice according to the tenancy act but they never gave us a time frame of when it would be. I noticed as I walked by that one of the front windows was covered by a piece of wood. I was curious if it had finally happened so I walked around the house to the back side via the alley. This was where my apartment was, the apartment I left him in. I found the missing window lend up against the wall in the living room. It had finally happened and it was finally empty. This meant that I could be 100% sure he had moved out instead of my 95% certainty. 

I follow a page on Facebook for separation and divorce support. The other day I saw a posting asking for help in dealing with the one year anniversary of her husband leaving her. At the time I didn't think much of it but today I saw a different post regarding how to handle different anniversaries (first date, engagement etc). This made me realize that the 5 year anniversary of my engagement was April 19th and I completely forgot. I didn't spend the day crying about how my life turned out (unlike my wedding anniversary). I didn't even think about it. It made me realize how far I've come. I've accepted my new life and that it didn't turn out to be the white picket fence I had hope for. It's something very different. I'm a survivor of abuse (in every sense of the word) and while I may not be thrilled with the thought that I may never find Mr.Right, I am happy that I'm no longer with Mr. Wrong. 

Being single and dating again is something that is closer than I'm comfortable with. But then again, it's not as though I "have" to start dating the day the ink is dry and the divorce is final. I don't want to rush into dating for two reasons. One being that I'm afraid that I'll end up with another Mr.Wrong who will abuse me. Two being that I am not sure how to navigate dating as a Christian woman. I'm conservative in certain things and liberal in others. I don't believe in sex before marriage but I also don't need a man who has followed that belief his whole life. I certainly didn't. I don't need him to be a "good little Christian" his whole life so long as he's realized the faults in those ways. I don't think I could date a "good little Christian" man, one who has never sworn, drank or made a few major mistakes in their life. 

In saying all this, I'm certain that God has someone in mind for me and that he might not be what I picture. I guess I'll have to wait and see what comes my way in the future. 

Ex-Boyfriends Revisited

Last night I had another dream involving an ex-boyfriend Tony. This ex was not my prince charming. He kept the dog we got together when I moved back to my home province and lived with my older sister. I arrived at her doorstep broken. He treated me so poorly and yet I didn't want to end things. I moved back in the hopes of finish the last course I need for my college diploma. I remember once instance where I was so upset with the way he was treating me I locked myself in our spare bedroom. His best friend came in and talked to me for over an hour about how great a guy he thought he was. I don't think I had ever cried that hard or for that long in my entire life up to that point. In my dream we got back together and I don't remember the specifics but I remember that he was nice to me and I felt happy. 

I don't know why but it I think my sub-conscious is working it's way through my ex-boyfriends. I have a few more to go and I'm not thrilled about it. Perhaps it's my minds way of showing me that I could be happy again but it would have to be with someone who knew what it meant to love someone. The men I've dated in the past were ... let's just say less than winners (with one exception). 

I've also realized how long ago it's been since I dated the last two dreams main characters. Ten years for last nights dream and twelve years for the night before lasts dream. I got me thinking about all that I've done in that time and how much I've changes, grown up and matured. I'm not the same girl I was then. I've been told that I should write a letter to the child I was when I first witnessed abuse. I have yet to do that but I'd also like to write a letter to the girl I was twelve years ago.

Dear Self,

I would like to tell you first and foremost that I love you. I wish I knew at your age what I know now. You're a bright eyed 18 year old and you are deeply in love with a man who treats you like a princess. He's sweet, romantic and puts your well-being before his own. Remember this feeling you have, the way he makes you feel. 

I know that your childhood was less than perfect and you have unseen wounds from the things you experienced and witnessed. Know that you did nothing wrong and you didn't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be abused, belittled and silenced. 

You learned certain things out of survival. One was how to keep the peace. This is a great quality when used appropriately. But there will come a day where someone will try to misuse this quality (a gift really). You have every right to speak up and express your emotions. You don't need to remain silent when you feel like something is off for fear they may not like you or will start to argue. This quality could very easily turn into people pleasing. I want to warn you before this happens. 

You don't need a boyfriend. You can wait for Mr.Right and remain single.  Your current boyfriend and his family are a window into how relationships should be. Don't settle for anything less than this. Don't chase or seek out men. Don't let your heart fall for someone you don't know. Think about how you met your boyfriend. You were introduced by your sisters friend and you spent the entire night talking and nothing more. You didn't kiss him and he didn't try to kiss you. He respected you enough to wait. You went home thinking about how wonderful he was. 

I know you aren't certain about God but I know you know there is something out there that created the earth. Have faith that He'll put the right people in your path. Don't try to force things to happen. If and when you want to get married trust that the right man will come into your life organically. 

Love yourself enough to take care of you. You don't need alcohol for people to like you. You don't need to drink to numb yourself. You suffer from depression and masking it with alcohol will not help it go away. Don't waste your money on partying every weekend. Save some of it and use it to travel. Don't wait until your old to start seeing the world. Also, please quit smoking! It will save you more than you realize. Remember to have salad a bit more than McDonalds. Give up gluten and save yourself the years of pain and sickness. Remember to sleep, go for long walks and to call those who love you when you need a friendly voice.

Don't be afraid to be different. So often we just want to fit in with our friends. Thing is, you can find friends that fit who you really are. You don't need to change yourself or pretend to be something you're not. You like the music, activities, clothes and movies you do for a reason. It's one thing to participate in different things (sports, activities, pastimes etc) but don't pretend you love them if you don't. 

Don't compare yourself to anyone. This one is very important. You have a natural tendency to look over the fence and think that it's greener. It's not! You aren't your Mum, older sister or classmates. You have your own path and rate in which you walk it. You may not ever be a CEO, a doctor or an engineer. You may not be rich or famous but you will have a life that is filled with challenges and blessings. Life can't always be rainbows and sunshine. How else would you appreciate the happy times? 

Forgive your father. He's a broken man who lost his mother and then father at such a young age. The man he is today was not the man your Mum married. He's become angry, negative and racist because of policing. Forgiving him doesn't mean that you allow his negativity in your life. You can love him from a distance. You can set up boundaries with him and have consequences if they're broken. You don't need to love his wife. She may be a part of his life but she doesn't have to be a part of yours. You don't have to distance yourself from his relatives even if you keep him at a distance. You may not fully appreciate the importance of family but just trust me on this one. 

Give your Mum grace. She isn't perfect and has had a lot of challenges in her life. She was so severely abused in her childhood and doesn't fully understand what a healthy relationship looks like. She's lost and heart after two failed marriages. These marriage failures weren't her fault but she may still blame herself. She'll eventually find happiness in herself but isn't there yet. 

Make more time for your little sister. She will not always be this small. She will not always be so close by. She is going to grow up like an only child which is lonely. She will grow up and face racism. She won't be native enough  for some and she won't be white enough for others. She will suffer from depression and needs to know that it isn't something shameful. Show her that you aren't ashamed of your own depression so she'll feel like she can tell you about her struggles when they come. She will face loss. Comforter her on the little hurts now so she knows she can come to you when the big ones come.

Lastly, appreciate your older sister. She will be the rock in your life; the shore line for the rough waters you may encounter. She won't always have the words but she'll always listen. Give her opportunity to speak into your life. Listen when she sheds perspective on people and circumstances. She knows you and knows what your childhood looked like. She stood and took the brunt of the abuse if and when she could. She tried to protect you then so let her protect you now.

You are a beautiful person inside and out.

Love,

Your 30 year old Self

Filing for Divorce

I've discovered a website that will prepare and file my divorce papers. Avoiding a lawyer should save me some money. I had originally planned to fight him in court to have him pay half the debt he incurred on my credit cards. After some deep thought I've decided that my mental health and anxiety would pay the ultimate price if I chose to go to battle with him. Instead, I chose simplicity and convenience. The service I've found will fill out the paperwork (based on the info I gave them) and file the paperwork on my behalf. They will make both trips to the courthouse to file each of the steps. I've chose a sole divorce which means I don't need his signature, only for him not to contest is during a 31 day period. The total estimated time from the day I file until the day it finalizes is 31 weeks and I can start the process tomorrow if I wanted to (had the funds to). This means I could be divorced by Halloween. 

I was Factiming with my Mum yesterday and as we said goodbye my step-father said something in passing about getting back to "business". To which my Mum quick laughed it off. This reminded me of something he used to do when taking with family or friends. He was constantly telling people that we were "smooching" when they would call or Facetime us or when we'd hang up. It was like he was trying to compensate or make himself seem more desired that he was. I would slightly embarrassed and laugh it off. I knew it wasn't true and so did he. 

I woke up this morning happy from the dream I had. I had re-united with my teenage boyfriend Tim (the one that treated me like a princess) and we were planning a wedding. I was talking with his family at his parents house and trying to decide where we would live. I also felt a certain amount of loss and sadness because I know that isn't my life. I'm hopeful that there is a man out there that will treat me (and love me) the way that he did. He was (and is once again) my gold standard; the one I measure all other men against. 

I'm happy that I'm unable to date a in God's eyes I'm still married until I'm not because the idea of having to date again scares me. I also have days were I think about how lonely I am and how much I miss the feeling of being in love. I've been in love with the feeling of being in love since the first time I felt it. The warm fuzzy feeling running through my body. Thinking about him and the way he makes me feel. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything else outside of when the next time I see him and what we'll do together. Going out for dinner, movies, dancing, long walks and cuddling on the couch at home. I miss the innocence of young love. 

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness But It Buys Options

It's spring time here on the coast. It has been for a few weeks but only in the last week the rain stopped long enough to get out and enjoy the sun. Because of this I put away my winter clothes (I use that term loosely as the temperature rarely dips past -5) and unpacked my summer clothes. Its a bit early for the bikini but I needed the space in the box for my snowpants. 

While I was doing the swap this afternoon I got to thinking about my current wardrobe and how I desperately would like to replace a number of items. Given that I would for a non-profit that I love but is grossly underpaying me, I am unable to afford new clothing at this time. The only clothing I've bought since leaving him was new bras and undies and a few pairs of shoes. 

I haven't really bought much clothing in the past few years. I was guilted anytime I spent money. When I did buy myself something it was not on impulse. I thought long and hard about whether I really needed it and where I could find it for cheap. The most I've ever spent on a single item of clothing (outside of my wedding dress of $220) was a pair of Ralph Lauren boots which I needed for the winter. Even then I was made to feel guilty and that I was spoiled. 

Looking back, my Mum commented on the difference in the amount of clothing he had verses what I had. He bought himself an article or two of clothing each and every single month. I wasn't allowed to question it not to mention he was so good at manipulating me that he made it seem like I could say no when he asked. I think you and I both know by now that I wasn't able to say no to him ever. He bought a $400 suit and had me convinced it was my idea to spend that amount of money. 

I still struggle to spend money on myself; I feel like i need to justify it to myself (and others). I bought myself a guitar for my thirtieth birthday and spent $400. I felt guilty spending that much on myself. I have wanted to learn guitar for years and I kept putting it off (along with a number of other things) and I finally decided to stop putting my life off. I've wanted to travel and I've made plans to go on a vacation with a girlfriend of mine as well as a hiking trip with my older sister. I still worry about the money I'll be spending on these two trips. That money could be used to pay off the remainder of my debt but again, I don't want to put my life on hold any longer. 

Medically Speaking

In my previous post I talked about my most recent counseling session. From that I have really be evaluating previous sexual relationships. I've realized that the reason my sex drive dropped of could actually be explain scientifically. Sex hormones are directly affected by your adrenals. You adrenals are responsible for the stress hormones and the "fight or flight" response to perceived danger. Why would someone want to have sex in a situation where they have those hormones running through their veins?! The short answer (at least for myself) is I wouldn't and didn't. 

My sex drive tanked within weeks of the wedding. I thought it was a side effect of my depression. I also thought it might be a natural part of getting older (I'm only 30). In actuality, it wasn't me or least it wasn't my fault. As I sit here and think about what my marriage was it almost feels like a horrible nightmare. You know the kind that you remember years after it happened? I can think of three that scared me so much that I can still tell you in detail about each of them. My mind tells me I'm ok now but my emotions would disagree. 

I was also ready about what adrenal fatigue can do to other organs. Hypoglycemia is the hallmark to adrenal fatigue. You're body is so stressed that it can't maintain proper insulin levels. I can remember how bad I got. At least weekly I would "crash" and feel dizzy to the point of almost passing out. I used to have to carry snacks with me at all times and but they wouldn't always help. Silly me thought, I just need some sugar and I'll be fine. Now I think to myself, this was my body screaming at me to stop, rest and relax. Sugar was not healing the root of the issue.

I went gluten free and the "crashes" became less frequent but they still happened. I can remember one in particular a few months before moving to the coast. I had been gluten free for a year and I had sugar and 30 minutes later I tanked again and had more sugar. I was so weak I couldn't walk. 

I have days in which I'm just angry at everyone and everything (like today). I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to be interrupted (at work). I wish I could just go home and close the blinds and shut the world out. I'm no peach today. My dog knows me so well and is such a blessing. He was extra cuddly when I went home for lunch. He knows I'm not myself. I appreciate him even more these days after last week when my Mum had to put her dog to down. Her little dog was the sweetest little Pomeranian you've ever met. So quiet and calm (the opposite of most poms), he saved my Mum life and kept her from committing suicide on many occasions. This is also true for my dog. He keep me getting out of bed every day, even if it's just to walk him and get back into bed. He loves me even when I don't love myself. 

I have been overeating again (or still). It's really bad. I haven't gain too much weight in the scheme of things but it's really unhealthy. I can't stop myself. I think it's both psychological as well as physical. Psychologically speaking, he used to throw out food and threaten to make me go hungry. I am always worried I'll go hungry. I stock pile groceries (given the space limitations I have). It's a good thing in a sense because in the event of an emergency (such as an earthquake), I have food and water to last me at least two weeks. 

Physically speaking, my body is recovering from a stressful situation and given that my adrenals are all out of whack, my body is telling me to stock up for the next stressful situation. It all goes back to the beginning of time where humans didn't always eat daily. The pattern today is very different from then, we eat several meals ever single day. Humans use to eat one very large meal every few days. Our metabolism slows down to protect us from starvation and death. Our brains tell us eat, eat, eat. Fats and sugars are our bodies favorites. High calorie food like milkshakes, burgers and candy. Notice how great they taste in comparison to a spinach salad? My body is telling me, eat now while you have the chance. I learnt all of these years ago after watching "Hungry for a Change" but only realized that this was applicable to me recently. 

Tough Counseling Session

I met with my counselor Sunday. I was filled with a certain amount of dread going in. I knew what we were going to be talking about and it's the most difficult topic for me. Sex. Now I've talked about it in this post but it's one thing to tell all of you out there from the safety of my home and from behind my computer screen. But I walked in there knowing that it had to be said, I had to work through all the hurts in order to heal.

The beginning of the discussion was around whether or not what was done to me was sexual assault. I haven't admitted or allowed myself to believe that I was raped. Look at the media and the image they paint of sexual assaults and rapes are very different. They're usually some situation where a girl is held down by a strange man and is screaming "no" and fighting to get away. This isn't always the case. I thought it wasn't rape because I never said "no". I mean, I said no with my eyes, my body language and my demeanor. But I never said the word "no" and he continued. I learned Sunday that I was raped. That because I said "no" without words he was violating me. 

I remember less than a year into the marriage I would pinch myself or bit my hand while he was on top of me. I didn't want to allow my mind to focus on the sensation of him. I would rather hurt myself then allow my body to respond to him. He noticed one the marks and welts on my body once but I quickly said it must have been an allergic reaction to something. I stopped doing that to myself after that. Around that time I started hurting myself. I would scratch my upper thighs with scissors and I would feel relief from doing it. Shortly there after I started seeing a counselor but it wasn't a good fit and I stopped after seeing her twice. 

I knew deep down that this relationship was not right. He had me so convinced that I was crazy and overly emotional. But I wasn't. My counselor asked me (in a round about way) if I had had sexual relationships with other men. I told her I had, after all I wasn't a Christian when I got married. She asked me to think back to those relationships and ask myself what did a "normal" relationship with them look like. It was a light bulb moment. 

I had a wonderful relationship when I was 17. Tim was sweet, caring and treated my like a princess. He is the man I measured any other potential boyfriends against. He didn't always understand why I needed something but did whatever he could to make me happy. I remember that part. The part I somehow forgot was the sex part. What did that part of that relationship look like? He was a virgin (and I was not) when we met. We waited months before we decided to have sex. After the first time, he didn't change they way he treated me. He still made grand romantic gestures. I think back to the Valentine's day he planned. He made me dinner and had set up candles and flower peddles and put on music and we slow danced. I had sexual desire for him. I initiated sex on more than one occasion because I actually wanted to have sex. I was able to say no without worrying how he would take it. We broke up amicably because he was off to college and we just grew apart. 

I also had a semi-wonderful relationship with Matt when I was 18. We dated for nearly two and a half years. We did argue and he did fall short (on occasion) of being the perfect boyfriend but he was good to me. We had a healthy sex life. The way he treated me after the first time was no different than before. He loved me and actually planned to propose to me but I broke up with him before he had the chance. We stayed in touch via email for a while and we actually tried to get back together a year later but I had changed so much and he hadn't changed (grown up) since the day I met him. 

So now that I've really tried to remember the normal relationships I've had I'm curious how I allowed myself to be in such a destructive one. Where did I go wrong? According to my older sister (and I would have to agree with her to a certain extent), I rushed into the relationship after my live-in boyfriend dumped me. We had plans to buy a house and while marriage wasn't officially talked about I assumed that was the path we were on. We even got a puppy together (which I kept btw). But he dumped me, via text message while I was at work. Classy guy, I know.

So I was living in a city without many friends, heart broken and lost. I stayed single for nearly a year after but I still had a feeling like I was missing out. People around me were either married or getting married and I was the only single person in my circle of friends. I felt like I wanted to be a part of their club, the married people club. I even saw one friend get engaged 2 months after meeting her husband and married 4 months later. I figured since it worked out for them and they seemed happy that it could work out for me. Thus the 9 months from first meeting to married with him. 

Over the past two days I've been trying to come to grips with the fact that I was a rape victim and that it wasn't my fault. I did what I had to do to survive. Much like girls that are trafficked or women in countries that have civil wars going on. You can't lay on the ground and cry forever. The world is still going on and yours must too. As I type I feel my mind trying to downplay it all. "Well you weren't gang raped" or "you weren't raped in front of others" but the truth is, being raped by someone you know and that tells you they love you carries it's own burdens. 

My counselor really tried to help me understand that labeling it rape doesn't change what was done; that it doesn't change me. I can chose to tell or not tell anyone I wish. That I don't have it tattooed to my forehead for the world to see. My concern was that my Mum was violently raped (by strangers) a few months before my wedding and she did not cope very well. Her mental state deteriorated so much that she had to go on disability and only in the last year and a half has she regained her sense of self-worth. I was so afraid (and still am a bit) that by labeling the action rape I will fall down the path myself. I don't worry so much about having a day were I'm depressed and don't want to get off the couch. I do however worry that that one day might turn into two and then a week. I'm actually glad that I had to work my second job yesterday because it allowed me to focus on something else yesterday evening instead of sitting on the couch and eating until it hurt. More on that one in another post.