Addict

Have I ever mentioned that he was a drug addict? Or so he says at least. He told me he was a cocaine addict in college but his mom found out and dragged him to rehab and he wasn't able to leave. The second half is crap, I know. Involuntary commitment is only for 72 hours or if deemed a danger to yourself or others. He relapsed the fall before moving to the coast. He failed to tell me for 6 months. If he was using while we were married, I didn't notice and I don't mean behaviour but in the bank account. 

He told me he was a recovering addict within a month of dating. Being that I have my own demons (alcohol), who was I to judge him? I still can't really judge him for it. But it should have caused me to really inspect him under a microscope. Had he really dealt with the underling causes of the addiction (anger, depression or whatever it might be)? Had he found a support system to help prevent relapses? Had he found something productive and safety to fill his time with? The answer, NOPE!

His addiction once we met was me. How to work himself into my heart enough to get control. Looking back, it started on our third date. I was saying goodnight after watching movies at his place and we kissed. This kiss wasn't the quick peck I was expecting. It resulted in him having me up against the wall and pressing his penis into my grown (fully clothed). At this time I had decided not to have sex again until I was married. This didn't last and we had sex within a month of meeting. I instantly regretted it and wanted to stop but he wouldn't let that happen. He already had that much control over me. He had figured out that I didn't want to be single and so he already had a grip over me.

Don't get me wrong, I liked sex as much as the next person. It wasn't like he was holding me down, he never did. But he knew how to push my (sexual) buttons and I let him. I managed to fend him off for a month before the wedding night so it could feel special. 

The Truth Is...

My most recent homework was to reflect on why I was so blind at the beginning of the relationship. It's so easy to say it was because he was a master manipulator and used his very special skills on me. While this is true it isn't the whole truth. 

The remainder of the truth is that I so desperately wanted to be loved. I wanted to be desired and spoiled with attention. I thought all the calls and texts were just a normal part of the beginning stages of a relationship. I remember the same feeling with previous relationships but this time it was different. He bought be gifts and showed up at my part-time job to give them to me. He was looking for an excuse to check up on me. 

He was older and I wanted to finally date a grown up. I didn't want to date a man that lived with his mother or played video games. He owned his own home and he had a grown up job. This was going to be a grown up relationship, one filled with common goals and plans for the future. Little did I know that this was not true. 

I wanted so badly to be married and he was at that point in his life he was looking to settle down. I wanted to join the married people club and feel as though I fit in because I rarely felt that way growing up. Even still I struggle with that feeling. I've since learn to enjoy spending time with myself. I don't always love being alone but I enjoy my own company. I have no issue taking myself out to dinner and a movie, shopping alone and I actually prefer to sit alone at church (I'm easily detracted and because I still feel new as far as my faith I feel like I need to pay extra attention). 

I had a memory come back and it makes me question his honesty yet again. There was a dent in the wall on his stairs with a chunk of drywall missing. I don't remember asking what it was from (though maybe I did thinking it was from moving in and he just never had it repaired) but he said it was from his ex-girlfriend falling down the stairs with a can of hairspray. Now the bathroom was at the top of the stairs but there is enough of a landing that it wouldn't make sense for her to fall town the stairs. Now I question if she fell or if she was pushed. He said they had been broken up for nearly a year and considering how prideful he was of his home I wonder if they had broken up much later than he let on. 

He also would speak so negatively about his ex-girlfriends. I will say that they call it a breakup because its broken but is it normal to speak only the negative in a current relationship? I can remember speaking about my ex-boyfriend Tim (the great one) to the boyfriend after, Matt, and said that it was the best breakup in history but I don't remember saying anything past that. 

Speaking of that boyfriend, he visited me in a dream on Sunday night. I don't remember much about the dream but this isn't the first time I've dreamed about him in fact I've had a few in the last year. He had no direction in his life and he had no desire to change that but he had a kind heart. We certainly had our problems and we had our fights but I wouldn't say he's a bad person or I regret dating him. 

Sunday Funday

Today is Sunday and I got to thinking about how much I used to love Sundays. It was the start of his work week. I slept in peacefully and spent the day doing things that made me happy. At least until I had to make sure the house was clean and supper was made.

I usually went to church and stopped for sushi on my way home. I'd then stop at the store and grab some junk food and make sure all evidence was disposed of prior to his return. I think this is where my binge eating issues began. 

I looked forward to Sundays and getting back to work on Mondays because at least I was "safe" from him at least in a physical sense. I will still be berated by text messages and phone calls. I never really paid much attention to the frequency until the end. And yet others have since commented on it. I finally got up the courage and informed him I would not longer answer the phone on Sundays and that he could text me in the event of an emergency. This lead to an increase of the accusation that I was cheating; that I spent the day having sex with some guy or girl. 

I think over the years I have developed this pattern or mentality. Hurry up and tidy up. Everything must be clean and put away in order for me to relax. Case in point this last week. I was working my extra job two late nights in a row. Because of this I decided not to put my bed away (I live in a bachelorette apartment with a trundle bed). This means that my apartment becomes crowded because I need to move around a few things to accommodate the bed. It was messing looking because of this which cause my anxiety levels to rise while at home. 

I am constantly tidying and putting things away. I hate dirty dishes in the sink and I try and keep things put away. I justify this to myself that this is because my apartment is so small and so it can easily look messy. But I think we all know that this is a compulsive behaviour that stems from years of abuse.

I was out for a long walk the other day with my dog and walked past the old apartment building. It was a 1914 house that was converted into apartments but had been scheduled to be torn down and replaced with a high rise condo building but we were never sure when the demolition would start. We knew that we had to be given two months notice according to the tenancy act but they never gave us a time frame of when it would be. I noticed as I walked by that one of the front windows was covered by a piece of wood. I was curious if it had finally happened so I walked around the house to the back side via the alley. This was where my apartment was, the apartment I left him in. I found the missing window lend up against the wall in the living room. It had finally happened and it was finally empty. This meant that I could be 100% sure he had moved out instead of my 95% certainty. 

I follow a page on Facebook for separation and divorce support. The other day I saw a posting asking for help in dealing with the one year anniversary of her husband leaving her. At the time I didn't think much of it but today I saw a different post regarding how to handle different anniversaries (first date, engagement etc). This made me realize that the 5 year anniversary of my engagement was April 19th and I completely forgot. I didn't spend the day crying about how my life turned out (unlike my wedding anniversary). I didn't even think about it. It made me realize how far I've come. I've accepted my new life and that it didn't turn out to be the white picket fence I had hope for. It's something very different. I'm a survivor of abuse (in every sense of the word) and while I may not be thrilled with the thought that I may never find Mr.Right, I am happy that I'm no longer with Mr. Wrong. 

Being single and dating again is something that is closer than I'm comfortable with. But then again, it's not as though I "have" to start dating the day the ink is dry and the divorce is final. I don't want to rush into dating for two reasons. One being that I'm afraid that I'll end up with another Mr.Wrong who will abuse me. Two being that I am not sure how to navigate dating as a Christian woman. I'm conservative in certain things and liberal in others. I don't believe in sex before marriage but I also don't need a man who has followed that belief his whole life. I certainly didn't. I don't need him to be a "good little Christian" his whole life so long as he's realized the faults in those ways. I don't think I could date a "good little Christian" man, one who has never sworn, drank or made a few major mistakes in their life. 

In saying all this, I'm certain that God has someone in mind for me and that he might not be what I picture. I guess I'll have to wait and see what comes my way in the future. 

Ex-Boyfriends Revisited

Last night I had another dream involving an ex-boyfriend Tony. This ex was not my prince charming. He kept the dog we got together when I moved back to my home province and lived with my older sister. I arrived at her doorstep broken. He treated me so poorly and yet I didn't want to end things. I moved back in the hopes of finish the last course I need for my college diploma. I remember once instance where I was so upset with the way he was treating me I locked myself in our spare bedroom. His best friend came in and talked to me for over an hour about how great a guy he thought he was. I don't think I had ever cried that hard or for that long in my entire life up to that point. In my dream we got back together and I don't remember the specifics but I remember that he was nice to me and I felt happy. 

I don't know why but it I think my sub-conscious is working it's way through my ex-boyfriends. I have a few more to go and I'm not thrilled about it. Perhaps it's my minds way of showing me that I could be happy again but it would have to be with someone who knew what it meant to love someone. The men I've dated in the past were ... let's just say less than winners (with one exception). 

I've also realized how long ago it's been since I dated the last two dreams main characters. Ten years for last nights dream and twelve years for the night before lasts dream. I got me thinking about all that I've done in that time and how much I've changes, grown up and matured. I'm not the same girl I was then. I've been told that I should write a letter to the child I was when I first witnessed abuse. I have yet to do that but I'd also like to write a letter to the girl I was twelve years ago.

Dear Self,

I would like to tell you first and foremost that I love you. I wish I knew at your age what I know now. You're a bright eyed 18 year old and you are deeply in love with a man who treats you like a princess. He's sweet, romantic and puts your well-being before his own. Remember this feeling you have, the way he makes you feel. 

I know that your childhood was less than perfect and you have unseen wounds from the things you experienced and witnessed. Know that you did nothing wrong and you didn't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be abused, belittled and silenced. 

You learned certain things out of survival. One was how to keep the peace. This is a great quality when used appropriately. But there will come a day where someone will try to misuse this quality (a gift really). You have every right to speak up and express your emotions. You don't need to remain silent when you feel like something is off for fear they may not like you or will start to argue. This quality could very easily turn into people pleasing. I want to warn you before this happens. 

You don't need a boyfriend. You can wait for Mr.Right and remain single.  Your current boyfriend and his family are a window into how relationships should be. Don't settle for anything less than this. Don't chase or seek out men. Don't let your heart fall for someone you don't know. Think about how you met your boyfriend. You were introduced by your sisters friend and you spent the entire night talking and nothing more. You didn't kiss him and he didn't try to kiss you. He respected you enough to wait. You went home thinking about how wonderful he was. 

I know you aren't certain about God but I know you know there is something out there that created the earth. Have faith that He'll put the right people in your path. Don't try to force things to happen. If and when you want to get married trust that the right man will come into your life organically. 

Love yourself enough to take care of you. You don't need alcohol for people to like you. You don't need to drink to numb yourself. You suffer from depression and masking it with alcohol will not help it go away. Don't waste your money on partying every weekend. Save some of it and use it to travel. Don't wait until your old to start seeing the world. Also, please quit smoking! It will save you more than you realize. Remember to have salad a bit more than McDonalds. Give up gluten and save yourself the years of pain and sickness. Remember to sleep, go for long walks and to call those who love you when you need a friendly voice.

Don't be afraid to be different. So often we just want to fit in with our friends. Thing is, you can find friends that fit who you really are. You don't need to change yourself or pretend to be something you're not. You like the music, activities, clothes and movies you do for a reason. It's one thing to participate in different things (sports, activities, pastimes etc) but don't pretend you love them if you don't. 

Don't compare yourself to anyone. This one is very important. You have a natural tendency to look over the fence and think that it's greener. It's not! You aren't your Mum, older sister or classmates. You have your own path and rate in which you walk it. You may not ever be a CEO, a doctor or an engineer. You may not be rich or famous but you will have a life that is filled with challenges and blessings. Life can't always be rainbows and sunshine. How else would you appreciate the happy times? 

Forgive your father. He's a broken man who lost his mother and then father at such a young age. The man he is today was not the man your Mum married. He's become angry, negative and racist because of policing. Forgiving him doesn't mean that you allow his negativity in your life. You can love him from a distance. You can set up boundaries with him and have consequences if they're broken. You don't need to love his wife. She may be a part of his life but she doesn't have to be a part of yours. You don't have to distance yourself from his relatives even if you keep him at a distance. You may not fully appreciate the importance of family but just trust me on this one. 

Give your Mum grace. She isn't perfect and has had a lot of challenges in her life. She was so severely abused in her childhood and doesn't fully understand what a healthy relationship looks like. She's lost and heart after two failed marriages. These marriage failures weren't her fault but she may still blame herself. She'll eventually find happiness in herself but isn't there yet. 

Make more time for your little sister. She will not always be this small. She will not always be so close by. She is going to grow up like an only child which is lonely. She will grow up and face racism. She won't be native enough  for some and she won't be white enough for others. She will suffer from depression and needs to know that it isn't something shameful. Show her that you aren't ashamed of your own depression so she'll feel like she can tell you about her struggles when they come. She will face loss. Comforter her on the little hurts now so she knows she can come to you when the big ones come.

Lastly, appreciate your older sister. She will be the rock in your life; the shore line for the rough waters you may encounter. She won't always have the words but she'll always listen. Give her opportunity to speak into your life. Listen when she sheds perspective on people and circumstances. She knows you and knows what your childhood looked like. She stood and took the brunt of the abuse if and when she could. She tried to protect you then so let her protect you now.

You are a beautiful person inside and out.

Love,

Your 30 year old Self

Filing for Divorce

I've discovered a website that will prepare and file my divorce papers. Avoiding a lawyer should save me some money. I had originally planned to fight him in court to have him pay half the debt he incurred on my credit cards. After some deep thought I've decided that my mental health and anxiety would pay the ultimate price if I chose to go to battle with him. Instead, I chose simplicity and convenience. The service I've found will fill out the paperwork (based on the info I gave them) and file the paperwork on my behalf. They will make both trips to the courthouse to file each of the steps. I've chose a sole divorce which means I don't need his signature, only for him not to contest is during a 31 day period. The total estimated time from the day I file until the day it finalizes is 31 weeks and I can start the process tomorrow if I wanted to (had the funds to). This means I could be divorced by Halloween. 

I was Factiming with my Mum yesterday and as we said goodbye my step-father said something in passing about getting back to "business". To which my Mum quick laughed it off. This reminded me of something he used to do when taking with family or friends. He was constantly telling people that we were "smooching" when they would call or Facetime us or when we'd hang up. It was like he was trying to compensate or make himself seem more desired that he was. I would slightly embarrassed and laugh it off. I knew it wasn't true and so did he. 

I woke up this morning happy from the dream I had. I had re-united with my teenage boyfriend Tim (the one that treated me like a princess) and we were planning a wedding. I was talking with his family at his parents house and trying to decide where we would live. I also felt a certain amount of loss and sadness because I know that isn't my life. I'm hopeful that there is a man out there that will treat me (and love me) the way that he did. He was (and is once again) my gold standard; the one I measure all other men against. 

I'm happy that I'm unable to date a in God's eyes I'm still married until I'm not because the idea of having to date again scares me. I also have days were I think about how lonely I am and how much I miss the feeling of being in love. I've been in love with the feeling of being in love since the first time I felt it. The warm fuzzy feeling running through my body. Thinking about him and the way he makes me feel. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything else outside of when the next time I see him and what we'll do together. Going out for dinner, movies, dancing, long walks and cuddling on the couch at home. I miss the innocence of young love. 

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness But It Buys Options

It's spring time here on the coast. It has been for a few weeks but only in the last week the rain stopped long enough to get out and enjoy the sun. Because of this I put away my winter clothes (I use that term loosely as the temperature rarely dips past -5) and unpacked my summer clothes. Its a bit early for the bikini but I needed the space in the box for my snowpants. 

While I was doing the swap this afternoon I got to thinking about my current wardrobe and how I desperately would like to replace a number of items. Given that I would for a non-profit that I love but is grossly underpaying me, I am unable to afford new clothing at this time. The only clothing I've bought since leaving him was new bras and undies and a few pairs of shoes. 

I haven't really bought much clothing in the past few years. I was guilted anytime I spent money. When I did buy myself something it was not on impulse. I thought long and hard about whether I really needed it and where I could find it for cheap. The most I've ever spent on a single item of clothing (outside of my wedding dress of $220) was a pair of Ralph Lauren boots which I needed for the winter. Even then I was made to feel guilty and that I was spoiled. 

Looking back, my Mum commented on the difference in the amount of clothing he had verses what I had. He bought himself an article or two of clothing each and every single month. I wasn't allowed to question it not to mention he was so good at manipulating me that he made it seem like I could say no when he asked. I think you and I both know by now that I wasn't able to say no to him ever. He bought a $400 suit and had me convinced it was my idea to spend that amount of money. 

I still struggle to spend money on myself; I feel like i need to justify it to myself (and others). I bought myself a guitar for my thirtieth birthday and spent $400. I felt guilty spending that much on myself. I have wanted to learn guitar for years and I kept putting it off (along with a number of other things) and I finally decided to stop putting my life off. I've wanted to travel and I've made plans to go on a vacation with a girlfriend of mine as well as a hiking trip with my older sister. I still worry about the money I'll be spending on these two trips. That money could be used to pay off the remainder of my debt but again, I don't want to put my life on hold any longer. 

Medically Speaking

In my previous post I talked about my most recent counseling session. From that I have really be evaluating previous sexual relationships. I've realized that the reason my sex drive dropped of could actually be explain scientifically. Sex hormones are directly affected by your adrenals. You adrenals are responsible for the stress hormones and the "fight or flight" response to perceived danger. Why would someone want to have sex in a situation where they have those hormones running through their veins?! The short answer (at least for myself) is I wouldn't and didn't. 

My sex drive tanked within weeks of the wedding. I thought it was a side effect of my depression. I also thought it might be a natural part of getting older (I'm only 30). In actuality, it wasn't me or least it wasn't my fault. As I sit here and think about what my marriage was it almost feels like a horrible nightmare. You know the kind that you remember years after it happened? I can think of three that scared me so much that I can still tell you in detail about each of them. My mind tells me I'm ok now but my emotions would disagree. 

I was also ready about what adrenal fatigue can do to other organs. Hypoglycemia is the hallmark to adrenal fatigue. You're body is so stressed that it can't maintain proper insulin levels. I can remember how bad I got. At least weekly I would "crash" and feel dizzy to the point of almost passing out. I used to have to carry snacks with me at all times and but they wouldn't always help. Silly me thought, I just need some sugar and I'll be fine. Now I think to myself, this was my body screaming at me to stop, rest and relax. Sugar was not healing the root of the issue.

I went gluten free and the "crashes" became less frequent but they still happened. I can remember one in particular a few months before moving to the coast. I had been gluten free for a year and I had sugar and 30 minutes later I tanked again and had more sugar. I was so weak I couldn't walk. 

I have days in which I'm just angry at everyone and everything (like today). I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to be interrupted (at work). I wish I could just go home and close the blinds and shut the world out. I'm no peach today. My dog knows me so well and is such a blessing. He was extra cuddly when I went home for lunch. He knows I'm not myself. I appreciate him even more these days after last week when my Mum had to put her dog to down. Her little dog was the sweetest little Pomeranian you've ever met. So quiet and calm (the opposite of most poms), he saved my Mum life and kept her from committing suicide on many occasions. This is also true for my dog. He keep me getting out of bed every day, even if it's just to walk him and get back into bed. He loves me even when I don't love myself. 

I have been overeating again (or still). It's really bad. I haven't gain too much weight in the scheme of things but it's really unhealthy. I can't stop myself. I think it's both psychological as well as physical. Psychologically speaking, he used to throw out food and threaten to make me go hungry. I am always worried I'll go hungry. I stock pile groceries (given the space limitations I have). It's a good thing in a sense because in the event of an emergency (such as an earthquake), I have food and water to last me at least two weeks. 

Physically speaking, my body is recovering from a stressful situation and given that my adrenals are all out of whack, my body is telling me to stock up for the next stressful situation. It all goes back to the beginning of time where humans didn't always eat daily. The pattern today is very different from then, we eat several meals ever single day. Humans use to eat one very large meal every few days. Our metabolism slows down to protect us from starvation and death. Our brains tell us eat, eat, eat. Fats and sugars are our bodies favorites. High calorie food like milkshakes, burgers and candy. Notice how great they taste in comparison to a spinach salad? My body is telling me, eat now while you have the chance. I learnt all of these years ago after watching "Hungry for a Change" but only realized that this was applicable to me recently. 

Tough Counseling Session

I met with my counselor Sunday. I was filled with a certain amount of dread going in. I knew what we were going to be talking about and it's the most difficult topic for me. Sex. Now I've talked about it in this post but it's one thing to tell all of you out there from the safety of my home and from behind my computer screen. But I walked in there knowing that it had to be said, I had to work through all the hurts in order to heal.

The beginning of the discussion was around whether or not what was done to me was sexual assault. I haven't admitted or allowed myself to believe that I was raped. Look at the media and the image they paint of sexual assaults and rapes are very different. They're usually some situation where a girl is held down by a strange man and is screaming "no" and fighting to get away. This isn't always the case. I thought it wasn't rape because I never said "no". I mean, I said no with my eyes, my body language and my demeanor. But I never said the word "no" and he continued. I learned Sunday that I was raped. That because I said "no" without words he was violating me. 

I remember less than a year into the marriage I would pinch myself or bit my hand while he was on top of me. I didn't want to allow my mind to focus on the sensation of him. I would rather hurt myself then allow my body to respond to him. He noticed one the marks and welts on my body once but I quickly said it must have been an allergic reaction to something. I stopped doing that to myself after that. Around that time I started hurting myself. I would scratch my upper thighs with scissors and I would feel relief from doing it. Shortly there after I started seeing a counselor but it wasn't a good fit and I stopped after seeing her twice. 

I knew deep down that this relationship was not right. He had me so convinced that I was crazy and overly emotional. But I wasn't. My counselor asked me (in a round about way) if I had had sexual relationships with other men. I told her I had, after all I wasn't a Christian when I got married. She asked me to think back to those relationships and ask myself what did a "normal" relationship with them look like. It was a light bulb moment. 

I had a wonderful relationship when I was 17. Tim was sweet, caring and treated my like a princess. He is the man I measured any other potential boyfriends against. He didn't always understand why I needed something but did whatever he could to make me happy. I remember that part. The part I somehow forgot was the sex part. What did that part of that relationship look like? He was a virgin (and I was not) when we met. We waited months before we decided to have sex. After the first time, he didn't change they way he treated me. He still made grand romantic gestures. I think back to the Valentine's day he planned. He made me dinner and had set up candles and flower peddles and put on music and we slow danced. I had sexual desire for him. I initiated sex on more than one occasion because I actually wanted to have sex. I was able to say no without worrying how he would take it. We broke up amicably because he was off to college and we just grew apart. 

I also had a semi-wonderful relationship with Matt when I was 18. We dated for nearly two and a half years. We did argue and he did fall short (on occasion) of being the perfect boyfriend but he was good to me. We had a healthy sex life. The way he treated me after the first time was no different than before. He loved me and actually planned to propose to me but I broke up with him before he had the chance. We stayed in touch via email for a while and we actually tried to get back together a year later but I had changed so much and he hadn't changed (grown up) since the day I met him. 

So now that I've really tried to remember the normal relationships I've had I'm curious how I allowed myself to be in such a destructive one. Where did I go wrong? According to my older sister (and I would have to agree with her to a certain extent), I rushed into the relationship after my live-in boyfriend dumped me. We had plans to buy a house and while marriage wasn't officially talked about I assumed that was the path we were on. We even got a puppy together (which I kept btw). But he dumped me, via text message while I was at work. Classy guy, I know.

So I was living in a city without many friends, heart broken and lost. I stayed single for nearly a year after but I still had a feeling like I was missing out. People around me were either married or getting married and I was the only single person in my circle of friends. I felt like I wanted to be a part of their club, the married people club. I even saw one friend get engaged 2 months after meeting her husband and married 4 months later. I figured since it worked out for them and they seemed happy that it could work out for me. Thus the 9 months from first meeting to married with him. 

Over the past two days I've been trying to come to grips with the fact that I was a rape victim and that it wasn't my fault. I did what I had to do to survive. Much like girls that are trafficked or women in countries that have civil wars going on. You can't lay on the ground and cry forever. The world is still going on and yours must too. As I type I feel my mind trying to downplay it all. "Well you weren't gang raped" or "you weren't raped in front of others" but the truth is, being raped by someone you know and that tells you they love you carries it's own burdens. 

My counselor really tried to help me understand that labeling it rape doesn't change what was done; that it doesn't change me. I can chose to tell or not tell anyone I wish. That I don't have it tattooed to my forehead for the world to see. My concern was that my Mum was violently raped (by strangers) a few months before my wedding and she did not cope very well. Her mental state deteriorated so much that she had to go on disability and only in the last year and a half has she regained her sense of self-worth. I was so afraid (and still am a bit) that by labeling the action rape I will fall down the path myself. I don't worry so much about having a day were I'm depressed and don't want to get off the couch. I do however worry that that one day might turn into two and then a week. I'm actually glad that I had to work my second job yesterday because it allowed me to focus on something else yesterday evening instead of sitting on the couch and eating until it hurt. More on that one in another post.