Aspire

I've meant to talk (and if I have in the past, I apologize, my PTSD effects my memory) about an app Dr Phil's wife helped create called Aspire. It is designed to send out a help message to a designated person without having to call our text. I downloaded it and when you open the app initially it looks like an app to read different newspapers. I never completely filled out the info on the Aspire app because I didn't want to bother someone if he actually got to the point where he physically injured me. How stupid is that?! Let me bleed out or be strangled instead of putting you in a stressful and inconvenient situation to save me.

I haven't mentioned that I went on a trip to Tennessee earlier this month. This was my first real trip (aside from family vacations and the occasional weekend trip) and my first international flight. I went to TN because I love country music and wanted to visit the south. This is something I could never have done while I was married; there wouldn't have been the money to travel. Also, he wouldn't have wanted to lose control of me for a week and for me to spend time with someone else. I am free to make my own decisions and spend my money the way I want. The trip was life changing and I understand why people get addicted to travel. It was amazing to see a different part of the world and go on an adventure. 

My Divorce

I had to renew my emotional support animal letter recently. This morning I received the letter this morning as well as some information on my diagnoses. It's official, I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I got a little teary eyed when I read it. I've know that I've had it for over a year but a rush of emotional washed over me. I felt validated now that someone has confirmed the diagnoses. 

When I the letter last year I felt like I might have been faking or exaggerating my anxiety. In reality, I do need Conway. Just last night, as I tied to fall asleep I had a flash back to having to go to bed at the same time as he did. I also remembered how he would rip the blankets off me when I would try to fall asleep. I began to cry (partially because I was just over tired) because it still effects me. 

I've hired a process server to serve him the divorce papers at work ideally. I had a false sense of hope that he would just sign it. The process server called me yesterday to report that he apparently only goes into the office once a month and otherwise works from home. I.call.bull. I had provided both his work and home address so now he'll be served at home. It got to me but my anxiety didn't spike which was a vast improvement. I felt anxious but I just reminded myself that it doesn't matter if he signs or not (based on the type of divorce I've filed), I only need to prove I tried to get his signature. I also vented to my older sister which helps. I suspect my divorce will finalize around the new year. 

Questioning Motives

Have I mentioned that I lift weights on a regular basis? If not, I lift 5-6 mornings a week. I've noticed my strength (and weight) have increased and it's help my confidence. 

Monday was a leg day. If you lift or ask anyone one who lift, the least favourite day in the week is leg day. I felt fine afterwards and worked my other job that evening which meant that I skipped my evening yoga session. Tuesday I was tired from the working late but I was otherwise fine. Tuesday afternoon I was walking in my building and up the stairs to my apartment and I suddenly felt pain in my right knee. I wrote it off as tweeking it and favoured my left knee. Today it's still hurting but only doing stairs or bending over. 

While chatting with my male friend (who is a trained first responder) and mentioned my knee. After asking a few questions he told me he thought it was a tendon. He suggested I ice it and or take some Advil. After saying I wouldn't take any drugs because I don't believe in that unless I'm in agony. I tired to blow off icing but finally agreed to ice it. 

As I sit here with ice on my knee I got to thinking "is this the beginning of the control/ grooming process"? Sounds crazy, right? He is a medic and wanted me to take care of an injury and I worry that he's showing control issues. 

I know I have issues with men, specifically trusting (or lack there of). He's never given me a reason not to trust him. A reason to be pissed off at him yes but never a reason to think he's dishonest. He's challenging but not in a confrontational. I know I need to learn to trust men and slowly I think I am but it won't happen over night.

Have You Ever Had An Audience?

Have you ever peed in front of someone? I'm not talking about when you were a child. Guys, not standing at the urinal or ladies, aside from sharing a bathroom stall when there's a long line up in the ladies bathroom at a bar, have you peed in front of someone?  I haven't. But it's not as though he didn't want me to. He wanted to pee in front of me and tried to make it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think he had a fetish or anything but looking back it was another way to control me. 

If I stopped closing the door while I peed he would have even more access to me. Towards the end I would keep my cell phone on me at all times. I would use the time in the bathroom to reply to texts and what not. I suspect he knew that I would do this but didn't know the end was near. 

I finally received the document back with his signature last night. I couldn't believe it; I thought that I would have to start looking for a lawyer. I was at my part time job and literally fist pumped in front of a few co-workers. Such a sense of relief, Matthew 11:28 came to mind. I had been praying and trust God for months regarding this. This was his last control over me. At this point the only thing left is him signing the divorce papers. He can refuse if he wants but he would also have to file papers with the court house protesting the divorce because I've filed for a sole divorce. Praise the Lord!

I also paid to refile my divorce papers with a change of address to a girlfriend of mine so that he wouldn't get to see my home address when he gets served the papers to sign. This means my divorce will be delayed but it also means I can continue to feel safe in my neighbourhood and not worry as much that he's stalking me. 

And the Building Comes Crawling Down

I took my dog for a walk yesterday morning, like I do every morning, the same route day in and day out; I am a creature of habit. This walk also includes a view of the building I lived in with him for nearly two years. I mentioned in a previous post that they had planned on tearing down the building from before the time we had moved in. This past winter I noticed that the building was vacant and being prepared to be torn down. For months I've been waiting for the building to finally come down. Well, that day arrived and on a day where my anxiety was high (-er than usual). I walked down the block and stood in front of the building. I immediately felt this peace and feeling of relief coming over me.
Tearing down building symbolizes an ending; him losing power over me. That building contained his place of power and control. That place protected him and failed to help me. He lost that place to abuse me and hide it behind closed doors.

I also got to thinking about the things in that apartment. He had written on the kitchen cupboards. He wrote gentlemen rules like a reminder for him to treat me better. Thing is, it wasn't a reminder for him to treat me better behind closed doors but rather a reminder for him to be able to reference them to others, to treat other women that way and appear to treat me that way when others were watching.

Fighting with the Ex

I finally received a response to my most recent email to him. We went back and forth for about an hour and he still refused to tell me specifically why he wants the business income statements. I finally closed my email because I felt myself getting too anxious. I know he can't actually physically hurt me anymore but I'm still afraid of him. I was afraid to answer the phone at work for the rest of the day, its the only way he could call me. 

After some discussion with my Mum I've figured out my plan. It's a fine line to walk with a narcissist. I can't let him think that I'm still weak enough to allow him to manipulate and control me but I also can't let on that I'm strong and unwilling to put up with him non-sense any longer. 

So I waited a week and sent him the paperwork last night. He's only response was "thanks. I'm taking to my lawyers and I'll let you know." I got so angry. I'm fairly certain he can't afford a lawyer and why bother when the business hasn't even made $1000 in the last two years. I sent it to my Mum and asked when is a good time to pull out my ace card ($700 in medical coverage that could be billed to him for August 2015 to June 2016) that he doesn't know about. I don't want to fight with him and I don't think I'm asking for too much. I'll pay the debt if he gives me my business. I want this dealt with so I can serve him with the divorce papers. 

My anxiety has flared back up so I'll end today's post here.

Slight Crush

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a slight crush on a vendor I deal with at work. He lives in Nanaimo and we've talked for 2 years now but never met. He grew up near my home town and he's got the prairie friendliness I miss so much. I figured that if I was meant to meet him that eventually I would (preferably after my divorce finalized). Well, that's not the case. He called this morning, which I secretly hope it's him each time my phone rings at work, and informed me he'll be stopping by on Wednesday. 

After I hung up I instantly thought about what I should wear, which outfit is cutest (and most slimming!). But then I sat back and thought about the fact that my divorce isn't finalized. That its not as though I could accept a date if he asked and perhaps this is a test. Am I really going to stay true to my word and not date until I'm no longer married? In my heart I know its the right thing to do. But I also have this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that I'm not getting any younger and the window of my child bearing years is coming to an end in the next handful of years.